Mental Dump – March 5, 2022 (64/365)

!!Don’t waste your time, I don’t think I made any sense here!!!

So today I woke up with a headache, and I was feeling feverish all throughout the day. I could have gone out, I could have done a drive, but this feverish, uncomfortable feeling kept me down for the count. I meant to call my brothers and a couple of friends abroad but I ended up just sending them text messages checking on them and praying they were okay.

I’m not going to lie, even writing this right now feels like a chore… but I felt I needed to get it done before anything else. I’ve procrastinated for literally the entire day, scrolling aimlessly on social media, watching one too many YouTube videos.

I was thinking that this sick feeling was a remnant of what I got on the first week of February; in my mind I was thinking, maybe I was feeling feverish because there was some sort of infection in my blood again, so I took a bath to feel better about the fever, and then I proceeded to take rehydration salts dissolved in water, followed by another shot of juice from papaya leaf pulp. I suppose it’s always good to have some sort of blood tonic ready in cases like this.

It’s got me feeling better enough to finally jump in on today’s thousand-word requirement… and besides just having to get it done, I needed to go through this to project my thoughts for the message I would be sharing tomorrow. Yep, I apologize in advance, but I guess we’re set up for another semi-rushed message for the service. And sometimes this does work to my favor, but I’ll just say it’s always going to be better when you’re as prepared as possible.

I finished February and its series which I sort of entitled ‘Love Songs of the Holy Spirit’, and I think it’ll be something I’d like to do again next year, provided we still have the Good News Aces by that time. For March, it was in my heart to involve more people into the message, not just me talking for half an hour on a perspective on God’s love. I’m thinking to myself, sure, presenting perspectives clarifies my vision, not only to my congregation but to myself as well. It’s always good to present perspective… but even now I’m thinking, there must be a way for me to hear about the perspective of my congregation, without blatantly asking them or confronting them.

I thought, if my people, even my team, weren’t as vocal about the love of God as much as I was, then I probably wasn’t presenting enough, and/or I wasn’t presenting it right. I’m still pretty blank as to how to get them to speak out about it… something I’m praying for.

I shared with my worship team regarding what I intended to share for this March, which was still in line with the prescribed message of the overall church: To present God’s extravagant, overwhelming love. It was something to the pattern of the Chinese proverb: ‘See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Speak No Evil’… only this time, instead of saying those exact lines, I would take each Sunday to share, Christ sees you in perfect love, Christ hears you in perfect love, and Christ speaks to you in perfect love… or something to that effect. I emphasize perfect love, to continue instilling in the minds of those in the service that perfect love is what casts out all fear.

I would share that Christ sees us in perfect love. He does not see us with cynicism, nor does He see us with expectations of disappointment. He does see us with positive expectations. He does see us with an underlying hope. I’d go on to say that we ought to understand that this is how Christ sees us, and this, therefore, is the energy and motivation behind how we see strangers, friends, family, and those who would call us their enemies.

I don’t know, being a lead pastor exposes you to so many new things, but at the same time it feels like I’ve been primed to look at all of these functions and responsibilities before I actually took them on… I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s one thing to ‘shadow’ someone while he or she does something, but it’s still going to be an eye-opener to do the thing yourself. I’m only saying this because, well, I was expecting some sort of well-thought, grandiose theme for this coming month, but that’s all I got. That’s all I have to start with… and I need to realize for myself that it’s probably what my congregation needs, versus what I want for them. See, I’m realizing only now that those two things – what my people want to see versus what I want them to see – are two separate things.

So, now that I mention that, maybe it’s asking too much out of the service for them to appreciate the Gospel in their own way, more than what I feed them. Maybe I should just keep on feeding them – maybe that’s all they need for now, versus me asking them to go out and hunt and gather for themselves. Maybe I’m still in the phase of telling them what to think, pushing too hard to teaching them how to think.

The mere thought of it just frustrates me, and I suppose it’s just timely that I am reminded of what I was thinking about at around this time a month ago – or, well, there wasn’t a lot to think about because I was too busy coping with the head pain and the fever.

But see, that’s where the realization of Psalm 136 also came into mind – that even when we don’t have the energy to talk, or even think, it’s the Holy Spirit who continues to remind us, that God’s love endures forever. Perhaps I’m reminded of this today… that when I’m out of words, or even if I’m disappointed with the words that do come out, I should always keep in mind that the beat goes on, the chorus goes on, and the Holy Spirit leads all reality in proclaiming, God’s love endures forever.

In all that I’m thinking about or in all that I’m NOT thinking about, I take comfort in the fact, the Truth that even now, God’s love endures. God’s love stands, God’s love is present and here for me no matter how much of a mess I make, in today’s vague collection of words, and in my paltry attempts in clarifying what’s in my mind. God’s love endures, no matter how my body feels, and no matter how things are going.

And it’s for this… I guess, I shouldn’t be surprised… that I continue to give thanks to God, for His faithfulness to me. Maybe it’s still what I need. It’s not like I take the peace in yesterday, with the expectations that I should be all better today. No, as I told myself yesterday, I tell myself today – God is faithful, sure… God is thoughtful as well. Yes, He is thoughtful even when we lack the thoughts. What a nice revelation, one that would have me rest from forcing things out… The Holy Spirit would minister to me, reminding me of God’s love that endures, which would have me flow, versus forcing things out of my brain.

Really, I’m sorry in advance, this article is all over the place. I need rest. I need more time. I promise to do better tomorrow.