Figure Eight

Hello, December.

So I almost got fired yesterday.

I won’t go into much detail, but I will just say that a mistake was made at the early point of a transaction. This transaction progressed, and now that it has come to a close, the grave consequences of the omission showed its ugly face – costing my boss a huge fine.

We could have prevented it if we were a little more diligent in acting on the smaller details of the transaction. We had a little less than 20 days to notice the problem, and not once did we see it.

So boss called us, and as expected, he was not too happy about it. He was clearly angry, but bless his soul, even then, he still had the mercy to show restraint, choosing his words, and getting his point in. Deep.

The silence which ensued had all of us involved thinking about out career future. Oddly enough, I was ready to leave. In a Doctor Strange like trance, I considered what I thought was the worst case scenario, and I was at peace.

Not so with my workmate. But someone had to be strong, and thank God, power accompanied the peace which was alive in me. This was especially important as we needed to get our thoughts together. It’s easy for people to snap during these times.

Around an hour later we receive an email which, to my relief, showed indications that we were still going to keep our jobs. Obviously, even if there was no verbiage stating such, we understood that we were on thin ice.

Paola and I have first seen each other, technically last December 1, 2008. Today, as it has been for the past few days, it’s been sinking in that there are chances that we would never be as close as we once were.

So many thoughts and emotions are trying to dominate my mind. Thoughts of condemnation. Emotions linked to regret. Familiar feelings of rejection and the temptation to blame someone – myself, her, the world… Frustration. Anxiety. Depression. Desperation.

Someone has to be strong, and I know that the peace which lives in me is also power in this situation. This is the power that has me moving from rest and from peace. This is especially important as I needed to get my thoughts together. It’s easy for people to snap during these times.

It’s been 10 years since we’ve met, and all I have to show for it now is just our uncommon conversations on Messenger. You don’t need more detail to understand that I am on thin ice.

Sometimes, the ice is all you’re standing on.

Sometimes, you want the ice to break.