It’s been going on again and again since, I don’t know, halfway through this month of March, or possibly even earlier than that – “Do not be in a rush to get rich”. And yet, even with these words gently brought into my mind every now and then, a good deal of my focus has been placed on how I could reconcile the lack of capital I have to make a new investment into something, or to enhance my position in something I already have. If I’m not busy computing and recomputing and checking prices I’m making all sorts of excuses for me to take away from what savings I have left, just for another ‘hit’, for another place to put my money into.
I’m not placing the blame on anyone else, more than I place the blame on myself. Doing a deep dive into my own emotions isn’t always going to be accurate, but writing about it is a start.
Why am I so aggressive? I’m not getting any younger. I forgot who I was talking to, but we came to a conclusion that age is a number, but getting older is relative. And sure, that makes me feel better about myself, but apparently there still exists some lingering thoughts that are inducing all sorts of pressure beneath the surface. I make this out as a big deal, but even if it sounds like I’m inflating all this I just have to thank God for His faithfulness to me, particularly in assuring me that I don’t even have time and aging figured out, but He does, and I’m glad that He renews our youth as we wait on Him.
I’m not going to un-think that I’m not getting any younger. No, within the confines of time that will continue to be a fact. But I suppose I’m reminded of eternal Truth – of our being in Christ beyond the beginning and the end of all Creation. All of us in the Body of Christ are moving from glory to glory. And even now I’m being reminded that I’m in no position to explain any of this with any eloquence, but it’s really just for us not only to understand all of it through mere words in limited language, but to experience all of it – not that the Truth is to be grasped, but the reality is the Truth embraced us first.
So the way I see it at the moment is that I’m aggressive – that’s the word – if I think solely on the fact that I’m not getting any younger. I respect that. But I’d be respecting it even more if I recognize it for what it is, which is a fact which is finite, dwarfed by the overwhelming Truth that we in Christ ought to continue to focus and mediate on: That is, according to the Living Word, everything is getting better; Not according to how we see it, but in the eternal wisdom of an infinitely superior God, who we are confident to call our Father.
But is that the right choice of words? “Everything is getting better”? My own perspectives are holding me back from agreeing, but it does say that we move from glory to glory. The Word also says that every step we take is brighter unto the new day. We’re in the presence of an eternal Creator, all aspects of our being basking in everlasting glory, love, and light, but at the same time, our finite beings are being brought more and more from the reality we once subscribed to, into infinite Truth. So from this we do not just say everything is getting better, but we are also saying we have been made perfect in the presence of perfection… and, of course, all of this was not because of anything that we are or anything we did – It’s all Christ. It’s all because of all He did for us.
I don’t think I want to un-learn the aggression right now, just like I treated porn in my previous post. No, in this case I would recognize that aggression out of lack of content is merely a ‘mode’, but the prevailing mindset is that of grace, that of righteousness and good standing with God no matter what happens to us, and no matter how we see a day being productive or not. I believe we’ve come to scratch the surface of what Paul had in mind when he shared this to the Philippians:
Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. –Philippians 4:11-13
Is all this energy being misdirected? Based on my recent actions, I believe they are. I mean, I’ve been looking at the aforementioned charts more often than I should. My endeavors to build passive income have become active for too long. I need to reallocate the time I spend – for a start, I should be writing more. That means, writing more words, and starting to write code as well. It’s not like looking at the charts more often would make the price go up. I’ve been too active on establishing the passive, and in Dr. Peterson’s words, that’s not good. There are things that have to be active. There are things that have to be passive.
See, this is why I love writing. Yesterday, I took on an obvious piece of extra baggage that I (and nobody else) shouldn’t be carrying for any longer – Porn. Here, through writing, and digging deeper, I’ve figured out something else that I’ve been carrying in my mind all this time that needs to be let go.
I think I also wrote a little bit about it during those times, but the thought went something like this – “If the world is ending, and if Christ is coming back, what’s the point of striving to do better?’
Of course, in the recent years I’ve resolved that while it’s good to go home to be with Christ already, the only reason why we’re still here is for the sake of others. I used to say ‘others’ was family and friends, or even those in our sphere of influence – but all things considered, we aren’t here for ourselves anymore, knowing that we are being well taken care of by Christ here and forever. No, we’re here to encourage everyone else in the body, loving each other as Christ loves us, that the world would know that we are His.
But to have an answer is apparently separate from dropping the question. I’d like to believe that a significant part of my thinking and moving is still motivated (or demotivated, when you think about it) by that question. This unhealthy and disproportionate desire for immediate gratification and comfort still stems from the question, as if I haven’t answered it. But then again, it’s not like there wasn’t any difference between now and back then. I mean, while said desire for comfort still exists, I have certainly been learning of the gains to be had from constantly seeking discomfort, as that one YouTube channel would say.
Is it one or the other? Perhaps it’s both. Perhaps I’m not asking the right question. Perhaps, instead of asking ‘What’s the point?‘, I should be asking ‘How can I?‘; And perhaps, instead of saying ‘striving to do better’, I should say, ‘labor to enter His rest’.
This reality is finite. As it has a beginning, it shall have an end.
The mystery of faith: Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again – Proof that Christ is infinitely superior to this finite reality, and therefore infinitely more reasonable than any ‘point’ we can come up with for ourselves.
We can strive to do better, but even this is a ‘mode’. The prevailing mindset is that of grace, of the peace we have in Christ that goes beyond all understanding, of a rest we are in, even in the most strenuous and draining of moments.
Here I thought I was done with working for Christ’s approval. Apparently, there’s still a lot for me to learn, relearn, and unlearn, even at my age.
I’m not getting any younger, sure. But for my physical body and brain to live this long, in spite of everything this reality has thrown at us, I couldn’t say we aren’t getting any wiser.
I’d like to write more but I think I’ll leave it at that for now. Onward, to the eternal.
God bless us all.
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