I’m doing this on the go, waiting on someone who I’m supposed to be meeting. Right after this I head out to meet another set of people who called me at the last minute. Soon as I’m done with them I head home to attend a meeting – it’s online, so I guess I don’t need to be home but it’s nice to be where I’m comfortable. After that I have a whole set of deliverables to write about before the end of the month.
No wifi access so I’m doing this on the notepad, and eventually transfer to Evernote, then to WordPress. I’m finding out that in an questionable internet connection, Evernote has that habit of creating duplicate notes to cover all changes made on one document.
Recently I’ve been thinking about who I was twenty years ago. I’ve been thinking about what I was into at the time, and how I’ve been acting, how I’ve been operating as a person. I’ve been thinking about what I insisted was what I wanted back then, and asking myself if those were things that I still want today.
It’s the reverse of the job interview question. Instead of describing yourself 5 years from now, I’m intrigued, interested in reflecting on who I actually was 20 years ago… and all I could say off the bat is that I was pretty impulsive, short sighted, and I thought I knew it all.
Back then I was led more by my emotions, and if it felt right it was right. I was easier to fool, and most of all, I was constantly seeking validation from anyone and everyone. I didn’t know what I wanted, and to top it all off, I was a whole more scared back then to make any sort of moves, only being present after someone else takes the first step.
These are the more general insights that came into my head while I was thinking of JB, 20 years younger. He was certainly fatter. His clothes were baggier – his fashion sense was basically what his brothers gave him.
UPDATE: I’m now back in the house, done with everything else I need to do, and I’m working on deliverables – well, this one first, anyway.
I’ll cut to the chase, I’m pretty sure there are a lot of thoughts I had back then that I’ve either grown out of, or learned weren’t as beneficial or as helpful to me as I insisted they were at the time. In fact, I probably shouldn’t waste time trying to draw it out of my head – I think it’s time for me to pay a visit to the cringe articles I had back in those days, around, what, 2003? I know I did this before, but I’ll do it again, so you don’t have to scroll all the way back.
I’m not sure how to get into this without disclosing too much unnecessary detail, but as early as 2003, I was already struggling with obsession. And I’ll be straight, I guess – porn does that to you. You’re desensitized, you’re fascinated, you fantasize, and with enough rational thought to ‘connect’ reality to what you think is absolutely pleasurable, you start looking at people differently. Commodities, and not creation. Objects. And it gets even worse the more you take it in – the desensitizing doesn’t last for too long, and when you’ve had your fill with one of the many perspectives porn presents to your hungry eyes, you try other dishes on the filthy buffet line. Eventually, you miss the other fetish, so you go back to it. Or you put two and two together. This isn’t supposed to sound filthy, it’s just me trying to face this elaborate, but ultimately false mindset which has led me to countless defeats to this day.
Milestones along the way – A son of a pastor told me once, ‘Why would I take any pleasure from it? It’s not me in the scene.’; Years later, a son of a late president shared in an interview – sure, go ahead and watch it, but understand that IT ISN’T REAL.
Saying it isn’t real helps me personally, because it just has me questioning the validity of the fantasies that my mind, twisted by – sure, decades of smut. All of it isn’t real. I mean, sure, the actors, the videos were real, and raw, but the ‘acting’ wasn’t based on reality. Pushing for something that doesn’t naturally occur in the real world is inefficient, and therefore, it has an end. I don’t care if it takes me so long to realize it, I’m glad I did.
I’m slowly but surely walking away from this aspect of my past, not primarily because it’s the good and moral thing to do, but I also see how porn just messes with your brain chemistry, and the overall power output of your physical body. Onward, to better activities to optimize this temple.
To tell you the truth, I didn’t think I would hit porn as a major problem this soon. And this was only after reading the very first, I don’t know, 5 ‘articles’ I ever posted. I thought I’d be laughing at how truly impulsive and reckless I was in my swearing – Like I was a major white belt in the ‘sport’. I thought I’d also be cringing at how I was lamenting my singlehood, not knowing that I would be seeing it in a different light today – Back then I thought things were absolutely good or bad, or rather, in the case of a relationship, it was something I absolutely had to have, and not for any reason more than my own selfish contentment. I was a whole lot more selfish and idealistic back in the day (and this is me going back to general observations again).
I’ve barely gone through what I’ve written back then, and I’m already filled with thoughts – again, I guess it helps for me to remember that I’ve grown out of them. But is there anything else, besides porn?
Or should I just work on that first? I’m pretty sure there’s much to gain with this officially made into a campaign. Not that it’s that elaborate of a campaign, it’s really just respecting sex for what it really is, and placing more of the energy I put in my fantasies into actual, active income.
And here I see the need to refine the activities I’m already doing – exercise, writing, etc.; I also see the definite need to kick off on how I wanted to work on data science, cybersecurity, and penetration testing.
That’s right, this is penetration that matters.
I’m sorry, I just had to.
God bless us all.