Don’t waste your time, this is mostly blabber. Or read on, if you’re into that sort of stuff.
I’m sorry, I’ve been away. We had a brownout early last night, and I was already too set on getting some shut-eye when the power came back on, so I held back on writing. Today, well, I thought I’d be done with this earlier, but I guess I was holding out on a lot of things up until now. More on that later.
I haven’t been writing much on Evernote, it’s been more on the notebook for me lately. And I haven’t been writing a daily schedule since last week, right now it’s really just a shift between B’s: Boxing, (reading the) Bible, Blogging (or just writing, really), and (checking on) Binance (and a whole lot of other crypto-related tools and stuff). Just playing between one or more of these ‘B’s at a time, until some clarity is met, or until I just grow so exhausted.
I’m not exhausted. Yet. I am pretty weary , though. I’ve jumped into a good change of pace today. Yesterday, I thought I’d rest, so I didn’t work out. Today, I went ahead and overcompensated, I guess – 3 sessions of heavy bag boxing, and some bodyweight and ab workouts. But that isn’t what left me weary.
I don’t know where to start. Since last night I’ve been pondering on making an investment which cost a little higher than I was used to putting in. I realized that it’s not the amount that bothered me, more than the realization that there were going to be a lot more moving parts involved than I hoped, with transfers from this account to that account, from this service to that one, and so on and so forth. Throughout the day I was moving in between the last step before implementation and my mental drawing board, watching prices go up and down, all that time being pushed by, I don’t know, aggression?
Anyway, I ended up shifting between working out, eating, resting, thinking, and writing on the notebook, all while other things beyond my control moved up and down… What tired me was just fighting against that urge to go all-out aggressive and just to get things done in the name of getting it done. Of course, that’s how it feels now, but at the time I was also feeling frustrated because all this forethought and all these precautions I was taking were being perceived as fear of missing out.
If you didn’t understand any of that it’s just that there was too much risk to consider placed against too much focus on the benefits without respecting the risk, and this could easily just drain so much energy out of you, to a point like this one, where all you want to do is just let it all out by way of writing. I need to dump all of this, and if you’re reading this so far, well, I don’t know what’s keeping you here, but thanks.
I’m still checking the price point of a crucial part of my ‘puzzle’, and it looks like it’s on a downward trend… I’m still wanting to make this investment but I don’t know if I want to make it tonight.
I’ve thought about this abnormal energy that’s behind me insisting that I get this task, this investment done as soon as possible. I have to admit, that some of it is out of resentment. Without saying too much about the factors behind said resentment, I’ll just share I’ve been staying home a lot recently. Hell, my Mom wanted to go out today, and instead of driving her she said she would commute, saying she didn’t have a lot to do anyway. I still felt bad about not stepping up, I think it would have been worth the gas to at least do a little bit of driving, and now that I think about it, I would have gained more by going AFK all this time.
But I don’t know. Call it a mix between looking at too much of the energy on the Philippine Elections, and what’s going on in the Crypto space, and my desire to get things moving with the photos that I’ve saved up for 10 years, versus fighting the urge to go out there and shoot even more. There’s a lot of energy pushing me here and there, from discussions on the tensions between Ukraine and Russia, to what’s going on with Covid and where it’s gone to… And all of this is keeping me distracted, while I see other people progressing, and I’m feeling ‘stuck’ if I maintain a condescending look at the people I’m responsible for.
Two things that came into mind while I was writing all that garbage in that last paragraph – (1) I should probably really manage my Social Media time, and (2) I should change the way I think about the people I’m responsible for, being thankful that I have them, instead of lamenting because I don’t have who I want. You know, I thought I was onto a good start this week, being free from an Excel sheet to tell me what to do, and all that… but, as I’m always learning, I’m always learning.
I don’t really know the overall point here. Perhaps I just need to check all the playlists I have, all the open tabs I’m maintaining. Stick to the channels that matter, and step away from other places, coming in every once in a while versus every single stinking minute. And I guess I would need to keep on just hitting the Word, because Lord knows I need to get a Life.
Or I just need to be reminded that throughout all this, the Life has me.
That’s quite the reassuring thought. I’d imagine I would be totally smothered by all the thoughts I’ve allowed, all the mindsets I’ve entertained and played with – looking at it now it feels like juggling chainsaws…
But apparently, the Lord who is in the boat, walking on the water, or speaking to the storm… He is with me in the depths of the raging sea. The Psalmist says, even if I make my bed in Hell, He is with me. There’s no shaking Him, and I’m seeing that there’s no smothering Him, either. What a good God we have, indeed. One who is constantly reminding us that He is with us in the smallest recesses of sanity we have left in out minds. He is who holds our thoughts together, keeping us composed in this world that would easily ravage and tear us apart, that those who are headstrong but without Christ have no real advantage over everyone else.
Christ is the Peace beyond understanding, and He would bring us back to Peace when we’re burned out in trying to figure things out on our own. He would pull us back to safety if we’re about to explode, taking everything in, thinking we could handle it all on our own understanding.
Truly, these are humbling moments for me, to be very intentional in acknowledging the Lord in all of my ways, this God who knows all there is to know about us, all our intentions, agendas and narratives. And yet, to acknowledge the Lord is to acknowledge Christ, who does see through all there is to know about us, and still pushes us away from condemnation, reminding us that He guaranteed that nothing separates me from God’s love. He’s with me through it all. Not that I’m any special, I just agreed that God is who He says He is, just like anyone and everyone else in the body of Christ.
It’s Christ that would keep us together when we couldn’t handle things on our own. It’s Christ that would hold our communities as one when the world would try to break what unity we have by trying to break our peace, foolishly assuming that the peace we have is founded on the finite. No, Christ is the infinite peace we have, He is the peace that has us; A living Peace that is alive in us, as we are alive in Him.
Really, if you’re still reading this, I don’t know why, but I thank you for sticking around. Even now that I know what I should be doing – pulling away from what doesn’t matter and realigning, recommitting to what does hold some weight – I still couldn’t shake the need to be ‘updated’, while not acting on it. It’s like I’m about to explode, like a dam that is over capacity – the sad thing is, though I know that I will always have an eternal Source, I’ve allowed anyone and everyone from all sources online and offline to dump all sorts of waste on the banks of the river, so I’m not only processing the purity of the water, but I’m also having to sort through the trash. What’s worse is in the past days I thought there was more to be had from the trash, when I should have been appreciating the water that’s allowed me to even wade through all of this in the first place.
Perhaps I should rest. Perhaps I should just leave this alone, and make up for the thousand words I held off on doing yesterday, some other time. But I’m already this far, and since I didn’t do that investment, probably for the better, I’d like to think I could make up by bringing myself back on track with my daily typing. The writing is good, and I should have time for that, but I don’t think I should abandon my typing, either. Writing, as I’ve mentioned, has helped me maintain and even allow my sanity to thrive, despite the virus and the wars and rumors of wars.
There may be a significant number of lessons and lines here and there for me or anyone else who reads these words to pick up in the future. But if I’m to be grateful to writing for one thing, it’d have to be the way it always brings me back to remembering that the infinite is all that matters before anything else. So many things could sway me, but writing words with the Word always by my side always brings me back to peace. In this case, all that’s been going on is getting to me to the point that I am so smothered in my thinking, but understanding that the Living Word is truly Life to me even in these times keeps me breathing, and breathing deep, that my lungs and all that is within me is not lacking.
If I’m not redirected, or, if my course is not corrected, I am apparently being pulled out of the deathly deeps, yanked out of the quicksand, the whirlpools, the mire and the muck. Not content to merely be with me, Christ, who is my Living Word and my Word of Life, would set me back on my feet, strengthen me to face the new day, every day, assuring me of His mercies that constantly come with every morning, fresh and abundant for me and for all in the body of Christ – mercy, abundant mercy for this ruthless world.
I will continue to write here, of course – but I will also be jumping into my notebook, and some of what I write there will be refined and posted onto our church blog, together with the works of my other co-writers who are just trying to make their way with the Light in this dark world. I will also need to start writing for my other site, showcasing my photos – I should at least honor the places I’ve been by writing, and by finally bringing what I’ve shot out for all the world to see.
Look, for the third time, I am thankful that you’ve made it this far. If you were expecting some sort of climax, I apologize. I will be doing better tomorrow, I promise you. But for today, I’d like to thank God for just being – Yeah, just for being who He is, for me, and for all of us. And I’d like to thank you, whoever you are. May the Lord grant all the desires of your heart, and remind you that you are loved with an everlasting love, guaranteed by Christ and His birth, death, resurrection and ascension.
That’s all that really matters.
See you all tomorrow.