plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose
Death no longer has any sting, indeed. But this conflict I have of wanting to act and speak out, but holding back out of fear of failure, fear of further rejection.. this, this still stings me. This still tears my mind, heart, and body apart.
I literally feel my heart sinking. I feel anxious. I feel potential and opportunity slipping away like sand through my trembling fingers.
Confusion. Uncertainty. Should I act? Should I step up? Should I risk making things worse? I tried to take time to calculate my actions and reactions. I tried to space out, I tried to disperse some of this energy by shutting my mind off and getting the rest of my being to do what it enjoys – singing. Working out. Even now, typing. And I suppose it’s helping, but the prevalent pressure still remains.
Am I supposed to be doing something? Am I making things worse by holding back? Won’t things be dragged even deeper into the shit if I don’t act, if I don’t speak?
I talk about being cool about it. I talk about not taking action. I talk about how it’s not worth your time to try to find someone who doesn’t want to be found. I talk about how it’s counterproductive to talk to someone who doesn’t want to talk back.
I talk a good deal. And while it may be of use to someone out there, it certainly isn’t helping me. The pressure, the pressure gets to me. It creeps into my mind as if trying to control me.
Do // don’t // speak // silence // crying out for help but nobody else will understand but you, and I’d turn out to be the biggest fool in the world if all I was doing was acting out of assumption // worry // anxiety // uncertainty // bittersweet //
// bittersweet // uncertainty
So I exhaust myself, to drown out the noise.. Burn it all, for truth to remain.. Let the pain I give myself be greater than the pain that comes from the world.. Show my weakness and vulnerability for one and all, that nothing would be left for speculation.
What CAN I do?
So I torture the rest of my being into oblivion, in the hopes of being stronger in time… but, really, to force myself to rest..
Because, now more than ever, from more perspectives than ever, rest..
Rest is a weapon.
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