Considering all we’ve tackled up until now I find it quite important to sort of ‘apply’ this perspective of our salvation, by way of recognizing, or spelling out patterns of this said old way of thinking. For the longest time we’ve tooted our horns, saying that we’re transformed because we’ve changed the way we think… But I feel it’s just about right for me to ask myself, how DID I think before Christ? What was the old administration all about? How was the old software running?
Also, what patterns are mostly gone, and what patterns am I still struggling with? What bugs are fixed, and what’s the dev team working on right now?
Actually, let me see if I could start with just things that I used to think that I don’t think are true anymore. Stuff like what I thought were birds crying out in the distance at night just happened to be the sounds lizards make in the walls and the roofs – this sound seems to be heard just here in Baguio, if not the Philippines.
As I was raised driving stick shift or manual transmission, I thought both of my feet still needed to man the pedals on a car with automatic transmission. Turns out what them automatic-folk do is just operate both the gas and brake pedals with their dominant foot.
Speaking of things I’m still struggling with, I still insist that I need 8 hours of sleep so I could be well-rested.
I tried to sound like a local American when I tried to pronounce La Jolla (California) as ‘La Joe-La’, when my brother promptly corrected me and said it was pronounced ‘La Ho-Ya’. Pretty sure they had a laugh when I stepped away. Goes to show that there are things you used to think that are corrected as soon as possible – no minimum time requirement for learning.
Speaking of Americans there were certain mannerisms that I’ve had to change, and assumptions I’ve needed to take out when conversing with them face to face versus speaking to them over the phone, as an agent to a customer. I remember one such conversation with a random old lady in the Atlanta layover en route to Pensacola – I was… ‘practicing’ my small talk when I said ‘are you serious!?’ with a little too much emotion, in an attempt to keep the conversation as natural and smooth as possible; The old lady saw right through it and just silently walked away. I learned the risks of spontaneity, and saw the difference between response and reaction.
I used to prioritize air conditioning when living in Metro Manila, especially when I was fresh from Baguio. But I learned that I prefer the indirect breeze coming from an electric fan. I learned that air circulation is healthier than going too far only to bring down ambient temperature.
I seem to be just throwing random ‘used-to’s’, and ‘now-I-know’s’ here. Maybe it’s just me practicing.
But let’s try something else here. I used to think – heck, I used to write about how it’s ideal for me to have a girlfriend, and I also lamented about how I was single.
I remember going to mass as a kid, as everyone else would right after Sunday formal dinner at Brent… and right after the mass I’d go ahead and say or think stuff like, ‘I feel so holy’.
I’ve also recently figured out that as a partner, I’m still learning the ropes of how to show more concern. Based on recent experiences I’ve discovered a cycle that’s happened one too many times in my relationships – rather, a wrong mindset. Not sure how to frame this but I shouldn’t be so at peace when I know that I’m loved. I’m still learning what it means to reciprocate love. If that makes any sense.
Shifting really quickly to photography, and I don’t know if that’s intentional or not – I used to have this mindset that I absolutely have to nail every shot, or every shot has to be memorable or on-par with the best of landscapes ever taken, in order to impress whoever sees them… But just reading this, you probably already know how problematic that could be, how needlessly frustrating it is to any audience, just as it was so needlessly frustrating to me. Literally the second time I experienced snow, I overthought, I overprepared, and though the shots I took were pretty nice, what bothered me the most was that I wasn’t happy with the shots I took… and what’s worse is that I was more forcing myself to take good pictures, instead of enjoying the company of my mom and my brother. And now that I mention it, at another time, when I was actually enjoying my time with my brother, his family, and my mom… well, even the photos I took from my cellphone were beautiful – beautiful, in the sense that they had meaning. They had soul.
I used to be so conscious of my weak chin and the obesity of my childhood still leaving me with body fat in all the wrong places… Then I started thinking about how these are only mere parts of such a great whole, that is, my entire being.
I never thought I’d drive, and I’m actually still amazed that I can actually operate a 3000 pound machine.
Oh, here’s one. I used to say I’d never be like my Dad, but the more I lived life, the more I found myself easing into becoming my father’s son – His mannerisms, his viewpoints, and so much more infused into my own being, and all by choice.
And okay, this had to be said, but I was exposed to porn at a young age, and my mind and my being were subsequently altered. It had an impact on my thought process, and how I interacted with people. Probably still something I’m struggling with, not gonna lie – corruption from the old administration so deep-seated.
I also was scared with the majority of other people, by the ideas of how you could lose your salvation, and how you wouldn’t be ‘raptured’ when the time came. Then I learned of the absolute and eternal impact of Christ and His finished work, and to this day am thankful for setting things straight. And, well, there’s something. If I mentioned performance anxiety previously, well, there was a whole lot more of that going on before we learned of the grace of God, and just the pivot of focus from our own works to the finished work of Christ.
At first, I WAS afraid. I WAS petrified.
But, really, it’s because of just knowing that I’m always with Christ and He is always with me – that truly cast out a lot of fear in my life. Much so that, hey, I could understand how it may be uncomfortable to share some of the stuff I shared here, but I do share what I share if only to emphasize how thankful I am to Christ for all He’s done for me, and how faithful He is to me!
Gosh, and there it is, huh? The old administration of JB Lardizabal was primarily about fear. The old software was running on fear… and what’s installed now is God’s perfect Love!
That’s it, I can say. Enough looking into what was, and appreciate who we are now, and what we have. But I do want to share this: Seeing as it took a lot more time and thought than I expected to come up with this ‘list’, I’ve noticed that I don’t really dwell on what I used to have or think, and it seems as if I’m more fixated on who I am and what I have, here and now. I’m more about the fact that we’re always learning here and now, which probably explains why it was hard for me to go back to what I used to think.
In that regard, I suppose we’re more of live channels, than we are DVR’s. Waffy, a good friend of mine, mentioned at one time that he preferred watching live streams than recorded content on social media – and although he explained that when you watch something live, it’s almost as if you’re also there at the actual event, I didn’t really seem to grasp his point… but maybe now I do. Maybe I used to be so fixated on the past, or too worried of the future… and now I’m just happy to be alive in the present. No longer afraid to be present in the present.
So to answer the questions I had at the beginning of this post: The old administration was all about fear. I couldn’t really say how exactly I thought or felt, but I could say there was a whole lot more fear involved; I mean, if you think I’m selfish and self-centered now, you ought to have seen me before Christ. The patterns that are mostly gone and the patterns I still struggle with do have fear in common with them… and the dev, the Holy Spirit, just continues to work on convicting me of my righteousness in Christ – yes, Christ, the expression of God’s everlasting, PERFECT love for me.
I’m not sure why I wanted to take some time to do this article. Maybe I’ll add more into this… list of ‘patch’ notes in a future post… This was a good exercise which I’m likely to revisit, but I think we’ll need to go back to the topic at hand.
And if you’ve made it this far – well, you’ve seen some dirt, but look how Christ lifted me.
God bless you!
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JB's Personal Brain Defragmenter 