Apologies in advance. If there are pity parties, this seems to be more like a pity quick glass of water at the common dispenser at work.
To me, 20 years ago
You thought you knew everything. Or, well, you didn’t think you knew everything but you thought you knew more than everyone else did.
You brought yourself into thinking you knew exactly what would make you happy – or, rather, you haven’t answered that question, but you’re certainly on a roll in figuring out that the instant gratification that the world offers is right up your alley. Well, if I could tell you now, how you missed out on a lot of long-term satisfaction because you insisted on what you could have right away, I’d be saving you from a lot of heartache and regrets.
If you must know, even you, 10 years ago wasn’t doing as well. Sure, he started working, he started learning more about the world, he started realizing a lot of things in his life needed more adjusting, adding onto, etc.; but the craving for instant comfort, the pursuit of not actually satisfying by obeying immediate desires still remained. It remains to this day.
I’m here to say that you’ve made it this far. You’ve survived. You’ve probably changed a life or two, but you’re still spending like you’re stupid, and you’ve got a lot of work to do in other departments. I tell you, if you addressed your issues with what revelations I’ve only had recently versus all the condemnation you’ve had to deal with from outside sources and inner thoughts programmed into you, you’d probably be in a better state now.
I think that’s where I was going with that. What if I knew what I knew today, 20 years ago? I’m pretty sure I’d be in far better shape than I believe I am in right now. But enough speculating.
It’s clear that I have some deep-rooted mindsets that aren’t necessarily eliminated or even weakened by a mere flip of a switch. There’s much more digging that must be done, and I could go with the scorched earth approach – seek and destroy any and all remnants of what appears to have been dragging me down for the longest time. No, what I’m thinking about now is that if any digging is to be done it’s not to uproot any traces of these ancient mindsets, more than it is to lay foundation for greater buildings to rise.
I’ll admit that in spite of all the supposedly virtuous words I’ve lay down for every day for the past weeks and even months, I’ve also been struggling with the condemnation that exists hand-in-hand with said old mindsets I’ve defined. I’ve been filling myself full of thoughts of regrets and ‘what if’s, ‘if only’s, and ‘I wish I had this’; I’ve tried to shake it off by way of strenuous exercise, and though it has helped, I still find myself in the same predicament, with no improvement, or no signs of things getting worse.
What I’m praying for right now is a more… glorious, gracious perspective. Light shone upon what I’m imagining as a great sea of anxiety and fear that still exists in my mind, though not to dispel it, but to shine upon the depths for the rest of my being to integrate what hidden gems may lie beneath the surface, along with the rest of the filth that needs to be dredged. It’s far from a definite ask, and it’s certainly something I need to clarify more on.. but that’s a start. Light. I need light. I need clarity. God, I need Him to tell me what to do – and I know that’s wrong in a sense that on the other hand, I believe I’d be offended if He actually told me what to do, as a blow against the mind He created for me to use.
And as I was typing all that I believe it’s also something that I think I need is someone to take away all the blinders – to keep me from thinking in just one way, but to look at things, even those that I believe are extremely sensitive to me, from multiple perspectives. I understand I was the one who put all those blinders there in the first place… but, well, I’ll admit, I don’t know how to take them out now.
If I was sharing this to anyone else within my influence, well, I’m sure it’ll all come out as self pity… but I guess I take solace in the fact that I barely know anyone or everyone who reads what I have to share here, and in that sense it does feel just as good as telling an unassuming stranger my deepest thoughts. So, on that note, thank you.
But yeah, I don’t know if I’ve accomplished anything here so far. I don’t know if I’m a step ahead regarding these deep rooted, deep seated mindsets.
It’s not exactly what I expected to share after an entire week pondering on Christ’s finished work, and it’s also the evening of Resurrection Sunday where I’m at. And I guess if I was to throw it in, if I was to intentionally integrate the absolute presence of my God in all that’s in my mind, even if I know that He knows all that I’m thinking, I’m sure to share that even in all this, even in all that I’m lacking faith in addressing, at least I could say that my Savior is no less faithful to me.
I’m a combination of impetuousness and helplessness, like I want to act but I don’t want to for fear of unfavorable results. But no matter how I feel – if I could stand on my feet at times, or if I’m going back to self-pity once again, it still helps, even in such a general scale, for me to know that I am not alone in these struggles that I am certainly hesitant in opening up about.
The Truth still stands, and He stands for me, even in this drunken stance I imagine I’m in: standing, sitting, walking, and running at the same time.
I’m looking forward to doing nothing tomorrow.
God bless us all.
JB's Personal Brain Defragmenter 
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