‘Looks like I’ve lost the will the carry on, my friend’, she said
I’m like a posse that’s been riding for days
And here’s the kicker. Here’s the part that really gets to me
I’ve got the scars to prove that love has had its day and its way with me
All this was from a relatively unknown gem, ‘Run Away’, performed by genius/madman Ed Kowalczyk and his band Live, sharing lead vocals with country music artist Shelby Lynne.
To think that I’ve been listening to this song ever since I stumbled upon in on Multiply, as part of one of what I’m assuming are a few ‘The Best Of’ albums that Live came out with, way back, what, 2006? 2007? Who knows, I was surfing using another browser at work at the time during first moments I listened to it, so any actual internet browsing history was already wiped out.
And sure, a lot has happened since then. Give me a moment, damn it, I’ve been talking about the Love of God, and it’s so freaking overwhelming as it always is and will be, but I couldn’t help but get in touch with some lingering emotions this Valentines’ Eve. If anything, I am thankful for the everlasting love of God which embraces me even in these moments that I choose to be sentimental.
Because, really, Lord knows that I’ve been through my own… adventures. I mean, listen, I said I’d be sentimental, but this is by no means a pity party. ‘Love’, or however the world would define it for the majority of us who would rather have others do the thinking… ‘Love’ has had its day and its way with me, indeed.
I’ve seen the nature of humanity, and how desperate we could get when smitten with obsession. I’ve seen how other people have been obsessed, and not to mock anyone for this, because man, have I been obsessed myself. Reducing myself to nothing, bowing my head deeper into the ground as low as I could, getting little to no attention in return… and by God, how those small instances of attention would be so reciprocated a thousandfold, as if life itself hung on the balance on a reply.
This is me also trying to do remedial work on Jordan Peterson’s Past Authoring program, now that I realize it.
And then I thought I would think myself so powerful if people obsessed over me, boy, was I dead wrong. The sadness and the loss of control that ensues, knowing the instability that obsession brings a person to, and trying to play safe because the slightest reaction would set these people off the wrong way, to the point that you constrict yourself – that’s how it feels. They aren’t constricting you, you feel the need to constrict yourself, if only to keep things safe and prevent the other party from doing something stupid to you and/or themselves. You sort of realize for yourself how low you went when you see how others go so low just for your attention. Just for a reply. Even being seenzoned is okay… well, at least for as long as your fantasies keep you more than your impatience shakes you.
I’m not sure I want to keep going down this rabbit hole.
I’ve also been ghosted. Maybe I went too far, too much and too soon with my desire, to the point that I scared the other party off that much that she just cut all communication just like that. Sucks too because we’re still friends on social media, which I’m learning doesn’t mean a damned thing. She just stopped replying, or I was on her ignore list.
What sucks is that I’ve also need to do the ghosting at times as well. I have to point out at this point that one podcast of Mikhaila Peterson helped tremendously: Her guest stated that far before anyone decides to end or abandon a relationship, they’ve already moved on – so when the damage is done, they’ve already dealt with it in their minds, leaving you to handle the fresh wounds on your own. This sort of helped me through coping with getting ghosted myself, but it encouraged me to assess what was going on before I did the damage dealing: It’s true, I was already contemplating ending the escalating relationship, because it was going beyond friendship. There were other factors in play that wouldn’t leave us with much of a future if we allowed attraction to run its course.
It was unfair. She was hurt. But I’ve learned… everyone loses. Everybody hurts.
Scars. Scars of a relationship that I thought would be the one and only, only to fail the test of time. Granted, we both learned from our falling out – It’s been years since the breakup but I’ve learned so many valuable lessons, up until today. I’d like to think that we are still friends, but it’s funny, really – one of the final lines I told her before we walked away was I’d be the sort of Sopranos-type family guy she could come to years down the line if shit got real for her, and I’d be ready, not necessarily to take her back in my arms, but to bring the pain to whoever or whatever was bothering her.
Perhaps, now that I think about it, going past all the smarty-pants references and pretentions, I still needed a whole lot of growing up… much as I still do today.
Then there’re those adventures that, really, you couldn’t make up. A story I’d like to think hit all the situations I’ve mentioned so far, one of obsession, to being ghosted, to the exhilaration of another chance, only to find something I thought was better. And just when I thought the book ended there, it was only a chapter, with another one that loomed after a long time; it was another chapter of me thinking I’ve already had skin in the game of relationships and pretty much being over obsession, only to be charmed again, and this time I was doing the rejecting. You’d think the tables were turned because I was still hoping for the restoration and reconciliation from said relationship… but when all was truly lost, BOOM – regret. And with regret came obsession creeping back into my mind, only this time, I pull off a Bane: “But we ARE initiated, aren’t we, Bruce?”
I don’t know if I’ve been meaning to post this and to make this public, but now that I’m typing it, you may imagine that I’ve been crying and hurting and such… but here’s the thing, right now I’m in the perfect combination of exhaustion and… I don’t know, a sense of accomplishment for today – that’s the mood behind this.
And really, I’m not thinking about all the pain this caused. I surely recognized the pain that happened to me, and the pain I’ve caused others – Lord forgive me – but that’s pretty much as far as it goes. I recognized it, but I revel in the fact that even through this pain, which may not hit just as hard as that damned assault on my physical body during the first week of this month… Actually, even through ANY pain – ‘Love’ may have had its day and its way with me, and the scars are what they are, but I’ve learned, and I’ve grown, and I’ve shrunk, knowing that the love of God for me is just that much greater than the pain that I thought was overbearing.
And I know I keep on saying that, but in this moment, it does help for me to latch on to the faithfulness of my God, draining myself not with tears but with these words, knowing that there’s something to be gathered out of all of this.
It’s not the end of the verse.
So can we roll tonight?
Roll through your desert,
can we start over?
I don’t know, so much buildup, and all I really want to say is that jackpot of a tweet I had a couple of weeks ago, maybe even before I got sick and all that – I simply said, God help me – I’m at a time and age where my marriage proposals are sounding less and less like ‘Will you marry me?’ and more like ‘Bear my child’.
Through all this time I’ve probably had better than all the ‘kilig’ moments, and I’ve had my humongous share of grinning like an idiot while on a conversation which I call ‘witty’ or just flat out hot and attractive, with one of the main reasons being it all just fit my narrative at the time. And when it all fell through, sure, there was pain, but isn’t there natural pain involved.. when we grow?
Now there’s a thought. It’s not that we grow from the pain of rejection, it’s that the growth from rejection is guaranteed… and sure it’ll hurt, but from a far enough perspective, the smiles will be so much sweeter than the immediate emotions.
And that more or less answers why I decided to write all this and most probably publish it with fear of discovery and possible reprisal – was that time has run its course just enough for me to view all these tragedies as adventures.
What can I say? Such is a benefit of the infinite perspective. Say what you want about Christianity – for all it’s being ridiculed for, it’s far more than religion, but a complete overhaul of our mind and soul, one that would have us not necessarily viewing pain as if we were numb it it, not downplaying how much it hurts, but rather embracing all of it, knowing we ourselves are embraced by God, guaranteed by Christ, who did not come to tell us how to get God to love us, but demonstrated that we should grasp how much God loves us.
It is as I’ve been preaching – God’s love endures forever; No beginning, no end, no limit, He loved us first, and NOTHING could ever separate us from His love.
Again, how do we know this? It’s through Christ. His birth, death, resurrection, and ascension cries out – we are loved, loved, loved!
His power is made perfect in my weakness.
His love is made known in my scars.
And speaking of scars I’m reminded of Keanu Reeves as Shane Falco in The Replacements:
‘Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever.’
I think I’ll stick with that to end this for now.