Breaking Silence

For once, I believe I had a good title in mind, before the actual content of this post. It’s usually the other way around and I find myself kicking myself for trite headers.

I used to say that when it comes to obsession, I’ve been on both sides – on the side of obsessing, and on the side of being obsessed. I felt the pain associated with being on these extremes.

When I was the one obsessing, I remember waiting in what I call severe anticipation for a reply or a response. Facebook didn’t have ‘Seen’ mode back in the day – actually, this went far back during the days of ‘Who’s Viewed Me’ on Friendster, and being able to see users who saw each of your posts on Multiply.

But anyway yeah, whenever said target of obsession would just view a post or my profile, I would pounce on her, relentless in the DMs. Just to recall, I really was relentless. In this particular case, I was so obsessed to the point that I brought religion into the picture, saying that I believed we were brought together by God, even if the circumstances behind our meeting weren’t exactly religiously sound.

Also, when replies were hours, days, and weeks on end, the endless ruminating and speculating contributed to the pain of not being paid attention. It was an all-out weakness that anyone could have exploited. Thankfully, God was in the picture for this entire painful chapter, and the sands of time passed, and life went on.

When I was the one being given more attention that I liked, well, most of the pain came from wanting to tell this person what I had in mind, but holding back for fear of being misinterpreted the same way I gave meaning to the smallest interaction to who I was obsessed over.

I’ve been brought to write this article because I needed to let off some steam. I understand the consequences of these words being put out for the public to see. I am fully aware of my role as a minister, but I believe that I would rather be transparent in what I feel, confident not on my own reputation but on Christ’s finished work to sustain me in all of this. In other words, this may be foolish, but it is truth, and I know that the Truth (capital T) set me free to be open about anything and everything about me.

I will say this: Today, of all days, I just have to point out another dimension of the pain of obsession and of being obsessed over – that is, and I think I mentioned it earlier, the pain of taking and dealing silence.

Taking silence, meaning you deal with your own emotions, as you miss a person you obsessed over and thought you moved on from. Dealing silence means you refuse to respond, trusting in vain for the person to read between the lines or to take a hint.

I’m somewhat ashamed to be sharing all this, to be seen as less of a man and more of a ‘simp’; but however people see it, I want it out of my mind and into words, before I do anything else.

Yes, being a minister, I prayed about this. But I suppose even the Lord can read what I’m composing right now, and Lord knows I need His help.

I feel lonely. That’s another thing when it comes to these sorts of internal affairs. They seem so trivial, or at least we say we try to tone them down and handle them, because the rest of the world has bigger problems. Or in other words, we keep this stuff to ourselves for fear of being called shallow.

And sure, I tried to cope by working my ass off. And I’m sure I’ll feel better in time.

But for now, it just sucks. I’m only thankful that Christ is with me, reading between the lines and loving me, in spite of this bullshit storm trying to sabotage me.

I’m banking on a friend’s claim – that you can pray for people, and they don’t even have to receive it. In his case he prayed that God would take care of an ailing relative because he couldn’t be there himself to help out.

Well, today I pray for you. You know who you are. It’s your birthday today, or at least I remember it was today.

May the Lord bless you. And when I say God bless you, I speak peace that would have been calm and typing all of this in spite of all the other thoughts trying to tear me apart right now. I speak that peace, that peace that goes beyond understanding, upon your life. I mean, you said yourself that I was confident in my beliefs, to the point that I wasn’t as preachy as you thought I was. I want that peace for you as well.

When I say God bless you, I speak wisdom in all your affairs. I mean, there were those times that I would have swooped in to be your knight in shining armor, but I understand how you wanted to handle things yourself – for those times, and for the struggles you face today, I speak pleasant surprises, the aforementioned peace to hold you together, so you would have a sound mind and the associated wisdom to make the right decisions.

(but to be honest I didn’t doubt for a second that you would be rattled)

God bless you. You know who you are. I don’t even know if you’re going to read this, much less reach out or respond, but it helps to write all of this down. I want the best for you, Chelmi. There, I said it. It’s not as easy to mention now, but I don’t care.

If you can have the best without me around, then so be it. The pain will be immense, but I understand it will be temporary – at least, against the infinite love I believe in, this same love that holds me together, even during these moments.

But damn it, it would be so beautiful.

Lord, why do I have to keep saying this? When will I have my time? I messed up. I get it. I had a good thing going and I messed it up. When I should’ve moved on, I held on and messed up. When I moved on, I became needy and messed up.

Did I mess up for the nth time? What am I doing wrong?

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