Day N

Sorry, folks. Well, to whoever’s been following the 30 day log (even if it was just for me, primarily), I’m sorry for keeping you guys hanging.

Day 30 has long past, and much has transpired since then. I’m having trouble remembering specifics but I will say that the tendency for me to crash, or to just slack and potentially undo everything I’ve built on during the days I was focused – that tendency was very present, and entertained more times than I would have wanted.

Yesterday was quite the feat – and I mean that in a bad way. I ate bad, I did all sorts of junk to my gut and brain. There was the temptation to keep going down that spiral and see how far I could go with literally fucking myself up… but I saw it as a means for me to see how much I really benefitted from a routine. We may say how we enjoy and reap from when ‘the rubber hits the road’ but in this case it took a dirty, barely present road for me to understand the quality of the ‘rubber’, or, my tire of a routine.

You can appreciate your tires when you hit the road.

3 days ago I had to put a hold to my empire building for half a day because I was recovering from something in my eye. The discomfort was translated into pain, and even as it felt like the ‘foreign object’ was gone I needed to cope with the effects of rinsing my eye with water (what’s the English word for ‘mahapdi’?).

These sorts of circumstances have you putting things into their place – I had no desire to look at a screen of any sort. On the other hand, I realized: Vision is nothing when you don’t have sight. Building up on that and you also realize that if you don’t have a vision, you would do well to go back to appreciating your sight. And, as Christians, we would have a solid vision only when we remember who gave us sight to begin with.

You can have a vision when you remember how your eyes were opened.

In the absence of routine, you remember your true constants.

Today I write this as part of my list of tasks, established at the start of the day versus how I did it during September.

Today I remember how, at the start of the quarantines, I had no set schedules. I remember how I had an excel file plotting out how each and every waking hour would go, and how this worked for me for at least a couple of months.

I remember how I was in danger of jumping into lower states of mind when this excel schedule was losing its efficiency. I tried to jump back into it and ended up feeling worse.

Today I remember how I was able to bounce back with this 30 day challenge – meant to be just a detox log, and stretched out to be so much more: a log of my daily activities as well as my highs and lows, a checklist of daily tasks, a means for me to write 500 words a day, a place to put in some random thoughts.

I remember my ‘reset’ days back when I took my nutrition a whole lot more seriously: it was when I binged on sugar and all the processed treats that I craved for vegetables.

Many things have obviously surfaced as the important things when I went all stupid on my time and my food… it was in this recent cycle where I was reminded of my desire to write. To clarify. And, as I wrote on my notebook, to refine and to define, and to refine again.

So with that I mark Day N, the end of this phase… but today I also day I will be writing more, and consequently, posting more things of substance. It’s coming down to that.

Thank you.