Wait, I’m starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I’m coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

Every day I ask myself whenever I write, is this going to be the day I finally update the blog? Or is this going to be yet another journal entry for my own consumption?

To all this I respond with a follow-up question, should I just go ahead and post my journal entries?

Probably not. It won’t help to show vulnerability without cause. Or, I don’t know. I guess it would be a disservice to anyone reading if I just go ahead and post whatever.

Anyway, that being said, I go back to saying that I’m quite happy to be writing, period. There’s always a sufficient, significant level of clarity to be had when I write, and tonight, of all nights, is a good night to have some of that clarity.

Before I go out and seek autopilot (I.e. drink) again, that is. Yes, it’s Saturday. I’m off, and I should be outside. I find that funny now that I think about it. Back in the days when I worked outside, I was okay with just staying at home during my days off. Now that I work at home, I look forward to going outside. It’s just normal, I guess.

Which is why I wanted to go to a friend’s wedding a couple of hours ago. Well, he calls me a good friend, and I am honored to be called that, even if I do talk about him behind his back. I suppose I can go ahead and talk a whole deal just like that, but I think the mere fact that we converse and that we respect each other regardless is what really stands.

And what’s funny is that he isn’t the only one who calls me a friend even if I talk behind his back. There are a couple – just a couple? Maybe more than I would have wanted – more people I do this to.

Which, of course, speaks to who I am. Well, it’s who I am. I talk behind people’s backs, and yes, though I am ashamed to admit it, I know for a fact that this character flaw, like the many others I have, are not traits I will carry towards forever.

I still look at porn. I cussed off at least two drivers today for driving too slow. Well, let me at least tell you my take on these people – what triggers me is that they know they have a whole procession behind them, and they still persist in driving slow. Like the whole world has to slow down because they’re texting/crying/palpitating/who cares. So I’m quick to make judgment on people in that regard.

Lots of stuff I still need work on. Lots of stuff I need to learn. I am a man, I am much older; I’ve learned a lot, but damned if I don’t realize that I have so much more to learn.

It is at these moments when I just thank God for His love which remains unfailing in spite of my many failures.

But going back. I was privileged not only to be invited, but to spend time with our church family, and, surprisingly, a couple of friends whom I worked with so long ago when I was in Sitel. I chose to sit with the latter simply because I see everyone else there on a much more regular basis.

And, needless to say, I was more or less ‘updated’ with what was going on in Sitel. A lot of things never change, but apparently, the behaviors of employees have. Long story short, I see how the people who go to call centers nowadays aren’t necessarily looking to get paid; no, according to the observations of those whom I shared the battlefield with, a lot of kids flock to work at these places, pretty much out of boredom – and, of course, if your level of motivation is just enough to work just to do something in the time you claim to have, you’re more than likely to bite off more than you chew.

This opened my eyes to something that we have to face in this season.

In today’s age, everything seems to come at us with less effort, yet in matching, if not better, quality. Forget microwaves: We have apps to get us a ride, bring us food, and find dates (do we even still call them dates?). I didn’t know how to get to the wedding venue, but I was confident to go forth without any planning, simply because I knew I had Waze and Google Maps as a backup. We have high-speed internet streaming of videos, from cartoons to hardcore porn, available with a few swipes on our phones.

We’re getting more stuff, and exerting less effort. If our bodies aren’t looking like the blobs called people in Wall-E (an overrated protagonist in my opinion), our brains are certainly starting to turn to them: overstimulated, underutilized. We’re even making jokes out of it, and well, the way I see it, talagang tumataba ang mga utak natin.

The problem is no longer that we don’t know enough; no, I think I’m seeing that we don’t know what to do with what we have, and if we aren’t eating ourselves up with this prospect, we’re taking it out on others.

Do I have a solution? Well, this is probably the time I go ahead and segue into my own personal foundation of Christ and His finished work, but, well, for some reason I’d like to just face this vulnerability we have as a species… at least for this moment. While I type. Let me get it all out of my chest.

More than being influenced, more than being brainwashed, we’re bored out of our skulls, and though we know we need help, we’re content with swiping left.

We’re content with making fruitless searches on Pornhub as if the niche we look at the most really had something new between now and the last time we searched (which was, incidentally, 20 minutes ago).

We’re satisfied with doing the same thing with our messenger apps as if someone reached out to us between now and not 20 minutes, but 20 SECONDS ago.

Dinadamay ko ba kayo? Fine, I’m content with doing these things.

But – and here we go – damn it, I am NOT happy at all.

So I’m posting this, well, just as a checkpoint as to what’s going on in my brain right now. I share it, not for sympathy, but more to just let ya’ll know that it’s not always going to be this way.

My mental Netflix is playing each and every time Gordon Ramsay ever said, ‘thank fuck for that.’

To be continued. Please.

Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along Mockingbird
You don’t affect me

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