They said this was the year of Jubilee… and after the events of this year, I must say that it really was Jubilee, but thank God, it was not in my terms.
My definition of Jubilee was I would have my girlfriend back. That we would be under way with my building in Guisad. That I would have had some solid investments and I would have residual income.
Unfortunately, none of these things came to pass. Last month, I suffered from depression, just by thinking about how the year was ending without those things happening.
And I was and am still overweight.
Things aren’t very peachy, actually. Based on my sight and my own personal analysis I could say this was a pretty crappy year. My youth were once people I enjoyed being with… and now I’m stressed every time I see them. I don’t enjoy worshipping quite as much.
Pastor Ronnie has his issues, and I have my own personal relational struggles which I made the mistake of handling according to my terms, and now I am reaping the consequences. The 5pm service has been affected.
The depression that I felt made me more bitter, to the point that I was a miserable wreck even at home, looking at my mom and Manang Irene with such disrespect and with a critical mood all the time. I must say that this gastritis and those times my heart felt down were a result of my feeling down.
I’ve been listening to my old tracks of jazz and metal more. I would sleep and wake up wanting to just stay in bed.
These are just the things I can stomach to say in front of people. There are even more things but man, this is bad enough, I suppose.
And yet, I say these things, not for anyone who sees this to feel better in the sense that someone out there has it far worse then they do, but just to express that even in this, yes, even in the valley of the shadow of death, I may be down, but I am not out. I remain in Christ, Christ remains in me, and though great and terrible fear lurks, perfect love is the only reason I choose to go on.
Recently I shared a good conversation with someone who shared my sentiments. And after our talk, we established the mutual absence of fear of death… and it seems we came to a point where we realized that Christ paid a great price for something so much more than that.
Thinking back at it, I believe that whatever blessings we receive, through seen or unseen, are more for the people who we have relations with, more than ourselves.
Hah, that was actually also another source of stress. Last year I was blessed with money. Little did I know that there is as much stress with money as there is without it.
Update: I’ve lost it. On the drive home my windows were up because I was screaming. I was just crying out to Jesus for help. Damn it all. I still have some chips in but I’m folding. I give up.
Update Update: I’m thinking it’s that time again. I need a change of environment. Yes, call it running away but I don’t know how else to shake off everything that I’m feeling right now.
It’s actually pretty tough. There are a lot of responsibilities to leave behind. But I suppose now I’m thinking of getting everything settled just so that if I go, everything will be okay.
I WANT to say that Christ Himself is our Jubilee. I KNOW this is true, but I guess I wanted it said with me on top of a mountain, but now I’m thinking this is as true when I am in the valley.
Indeed, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. It’s not a matter of where I am. Not a matter of how I feel. Definitely not a matter of my circumstances or those of the people around me.
I will fear no evil. I will continue to move, and have my being in perfect love, whether I am alone, or with company, or with company, yet alone deep inside.
For I declare, even with all that rages within, and all that is torn asunder around me, that Christ is real, Christ is alive, and He is alive abundantly in me. The life I live, even at this point, is one I live in faith in the One who loved me and gave His life for me.
I am broken, but Christ keeps me whole.
I am lost, but Christ is my light.
The storms rage, the waves slam into us, but Christ is peace.
Even in this, Christ is.