I am confused. God is not the author of confusion, but of peace. The Word says that where there is envying and strife, there is confusion and every foul deed. I saw confusion within my innermost parts, and all I could say, based on what’s been going on these past few days, is that there has been jealousy lurking within me. I have been quick to anger, and this has not been helping the past few conversations I’ve had with Pao. Though we are set to expect that nothing is going to be all happy in this world, I believe that these sorts of situations can be avoided.
I’m done with condemning myself, because there is no more condemnation in Christ. I give myself reasons to condemn myself because of the times I walk according to the flesh, and there is no way I can please God, no way I can serve His purpose if I am thinking according to the flesh.
And there you go. I was confused because I was jealous. I was jealous because I was thinking according to the flesh. If I only think according to the Spirit of the Lord, then I will have peace. I liken thinking according to the Spirit of the Lord to fearing Him more – and to fear the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I match thinking according to the Spirit of the Lord to trusting Him more – leaning not towards my own understanding (which is of the flesh).
Leaning to my own understanding places God out of the picture. This means that every time Pao does something that can provoke me to jealousy, I trust in my own strength alone, and this strength will never be enough to secure what feelings arise from the illusion of control, which dictates that nobody else, not even Pao, can be trusted.
Jealousy is truly not of God’s will because it ultimately distances all other things away from you. It is the scheming, ugly brother of pride. It deceives by telling you that the only solution to any situation is control, which is ultimately beyond the reach of any human being.
I’m through with imposing my own flawed will towards anyone else, even Pao. Instead, I choose to trust in the Lord with all my heart, placing Him front and center. I choose to say, ‘Not my will, but Your will be done.‘ I am pressed, but not crushed.
May the peace of the Lord reign over your heart. May you find the wisdom to truly submit to the will of the Lord.
That’s more than enough for me.
I am enlightened. Praise the Lord.
The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever puts his trust in Jehovah shall be safe. Pro 29:25
I have my doubts towards people… And may she forgive me, but I had doubts towards her as well… the flesh within me refuses to fully appreciate this blessing of a beautiful woman in my arms, and that only tells me that I should place my trust in the Lord even more… For though it is easy to be overwhelmed by the thought of all that can happen to me, to Pao, and to our relationship, especially in a place full of people who try every fiber of the God-given good within us, it brings peace to put complete trust – to surrender – to the Lord. May He be glorified forever and ever.
Now, I am truly enlightened. Praise the Lord, the Creator of Heaven and Earth…

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