With everything going on the past days and weeks, I’ve been brought to remember certain specific scenes from the series, Billions. As they came to my mind I decided to transcribe them.
Wendy Rhoades:“Remember Warren Jaffin the analyst?”
Victor Mateo: “Yeah.”
Wendy Rhoades:“Bright guy?”
Victor Mateo: “That kid was sharp.”
Wendy Rhoades: “Employable?”
Victor Mateo: “Real sharp, yeah.”
Wendy Rhoades: “Then he balked at his bonus one year and got popped. He got another job right away at a huge bank, $3million a year, guaranteed.
Only, word got back to Axe that Warren had badmouthed him in the interview, (he) said Axe wasn’t generous with him. So Axe called the head of the bank, asked him to pull the offer that day, which the guy did.
Can you imagine how humiliating that was for Warren? (He) Probably told his whole family, all his friends that he was back.
But Axe didn’t leave it there. He called the president or chairman of every prime broker, bank, and fund in the industry and had him blackballed.
(He) Put it out over the loudspeaker, direct from the principal’s office, ‘If you hire Warren Jaffin, you are my enemy.’
Wendy Rhoades: “Do you know what Warren does now? He’s got a blog.”
This hit me, and got me asking if what I’m doing with my life is any good. A good chunk of time in my days is spent writing, and just, really, clearing out what stuff is in my head.
Mr. Jaffin’s options were taken away from him from the big bad Axe (or, Bobby Axelrod, played by the legendary Damian Lewis), and all he had left to do – all he COULD do was to blog. And I could imagine that there’d a lot of rambling going on in that website, if it really existed.
But it had me thinking, now that a good portion of my options have been taken away, and my back is more or less against the wall just as Warren’s was, is this blog, this collection of writings I’ve had since college… well, is all this a mediocre use of my time?
Or, more importantly, is all this me telling the world how I respond to the circumstances dealt to me, and the consequences of my actions?
And if the answer to that is learning more towards the affirmative, should I be more assertive in this existence? I mean, it’s already so humbling to me to go ahead and express all of this out here. The legions of ‘alpha’ wannabes out there on social media would definitely frown upon me writing all this down, much more me sharing it for the world to read, biting me back in the future if not immediately counterproductive.
But I suppose here’s where I remind myself, as I have been reminded at least yesterday, that even in weakness, and even in vulnerability, the main focus is not my well-being or my reputation more than it is the glory and the grace of our Father.
In Office Space, another legendary movie I have close to my heart, protagonist Peter Gibbons (played by the household name Ron Livingston) asks an ‘occupational hypno-therapist’ if he could possibly ‘zonk’ him “so I don’t know that I’m at work (points to head) in here? Could I come home and think that I’ve been fishing all day, or something?“
In the same manner Paul also asks the Lord to take out the thorn in his flesh – three times he asks Him to do so.
In times like this where I’m led to question the overall productivity of my days, I’m thankful here, and now, even as I write. Sure, my actions and choices do have their consequences. I DO acknowledge that I could do so much better with my own life – even at this age, when I’m pushed to believe that I should be doing good for myself, like everyone else in my age range.
But I’m thankful. Still, I’m thankful. Yes, in fact, even as I write, and even as I blog, I’m thankful – and genuinely thankful, not merely rationalizing or thinking positively. I’m thankful because I’m reminded of the simple yet profound Truth – that in all of this self-deprecation and this unfavorable self-evaluation, I am certainly NOT alone.
I may have been blocked and left alone, but I am NOT alone. And what’s more is this – in these times of weakness and vulnerability, I am not only able but willing to let it all out, not only in the name of therapeutic, mental relief and release, BUT more importantly, to project that in these times, God’s grace is sufficient for me.
In these, my times of weakness and vulnerability, in these times of low morale and a huge void of empty in my life, in these times of overbearing work loads and sudden, unexplained finality of rejection… my Father’s power is made PERFECT.
My Father’s power is made perfect in my weakness.
Maggie Siff’s Wendy Rhoades continues:
Wendy Rhoades: “You’ve built a real life for yourself, Victor, a long way from Queens. If Axe is certain you’ll act like a gentleman, he will make sure to take care of you.”
Victor Mateo: “You were the one that always told me to stand up for myself.”
Wendy Rhoades: “When you can win, yes.”
“The only way you can win now is by letting it go.“
I’m not at the state of being able to fully release. I am, however, more inclined to do as that one composition by Hillsong goes: to throw my weakness into His greatness. This broken heart IS all He wants.
Bobby Axelrod, to John Rice:
John, John.
I tried. I really did. I gave you every chance. But you didn’t know where you were in the fucking hand. Just like your old man. Because the part of the story I didn’t tell you is: Your father may have talked shit about me and the way I went about earning, but he bit off plenty of big chunks from my sheet when it came bonus time.
And, yeah, sure, while he was a killer gin player at five cents a point, when the partners upped the stakes to a dollar, they mopped the fucking floor with him because he was a piker who couldn’t handle the pressure when the stakes were high.
And you are a chip off the old fucking block.
Here’s the big bad Bobby Axelrod talking down a beneficiary turned potential business partner. John Rice was helped by Bobby because he was the son of one of Bobby’s co-workers before he passed away when the planes hit the towers back in 2001… to a point that he gave him startup capital.
John came back to Bobby and not only gave his money back, but also a percentage of his earnings, much like an investor pulling out is given his dues – only this time it was implied that Bobby wasn’t pulling out, but John pushed Bobby out.
It took an entire day for Bobby to figure out that John did this because he didn’t want to be associated with him. And, as the quote implies, Bobby gave John every chance to take back the (fat) check he gave him.
He said all that, right before revealing that while they were out fishing (and out of cellular/data coverage) Bobby’s minions were at work, whittling away at John’s capital, and taking what they could loose.
Now, all that context aside, what got me here is that one line – the underlined one, where I’m led to believe that folks buckle when the stakes are high, and when the pressure is on.
In these recent days, in light of all that’s been happening against me, my family, and my literal home, I ask myself – am I a piker, too?
As I write (and, really, here and now I’m reminded that ALL this writing is certainly not a waste of time) – I’m reminded of how things went in my part-time job. Pressure WAS on. Calls came in volumes twice or thrice that which I’m used to. Pressure was on, not just for me, but also for the drivers I work with. Simply put, the more calls I take, the more trips are made, and the more pressure on time is placed on . my drivers.
Did I buckle when the stakes were high? Off of my own evaluation, I’d like to think that I did a good job. Proper documentation was squared away, tasks were prioritized and handled in appropriate order.
What caught my attention was how I handled my time in the latter parts of my shift, where there was really no actual pressure left – (1) I imposed it upon myself to wind down in the final couple of hours, and (2) in what I imagine was the thinner air in the top of Everest, I slacked off, or I took my time.
Well, technically, now that I think about it, now that I write about it (really, I’m reminded, again, of how reading makes a full man, speaking makes a ready man, and writing makes a precise man. Thanks, Mr. Bacon) – there really wasn’t anything left on my plate to do.
Again, I’m reminded – piker or not, definitely tried and tested – I’m NOT alone. I may have just experienced painful rejection, and I may not necessarily have taken the course as I did that one New Years’ Eve between 2008 and 2009, but all the same, I’m reminded that even in all of this that is going on, even with the lack of oxygen in these high altitudes, I may be weak..
But, again, it’s God’s grace that is sufficient. God’s grace is present and real even in my insufficiencies.
Chuck Rhoades, Jr.: Oh, it’s amazing how fast it happens when you go from being a starting player to the sidelines.
Lonnie Watley: I’ll tell you something. If I were still on the same damn team, those guards would be in custody today.
Chuck Rhoades, Jr.: Sure. And you imagine, what, that I don’t care? Or that I’m not strong enough? Or that I’m bought and paid for?
Lonnie Watley: I imagine you’ve made some calculations that allow you to live with it… No matter who’s left swinging in the wind.
Lonnie’s Wife: This does not have to become any–
Chuck Rhoades, Jr.: No, no, it does. Self-righteousness is an indulgence I cannot afford.
Calculation is not something to be scoffed at. It’s a tool. A tactic. And I use it proudly and often. But here. Today. About this. There was none. No. There was only a dead man who should’ve been left alive.
And I’ll tell you something, Lonnie, if you were still in the office, nothing would’ve been different. Not one thing.
Oh, I’m really glad to see you here tonight, in that Brioni suit, which is the mark of the lawyer who is successful at everything that doesn’t really matter. No. You are, no doubt, exactly where you are supposed to be now.
There’s no shame in not being able to hack it at the highest levels of the real game, but the revisionist history, that’s for your wife at home… Not for the man who fucking knows better.
I’m done with you.
Not really going to go into the context on this one. And, off the bat, just want to say – Axe isn’t the only one with a savage choice of words in this beautifully written series.
Again, I’m reminded of the pressure that exists when the stakes are high, seen from another perspective – The highest levels of the real game. In a series that is known for its delving into Game Theory, we’re given a bigger picture of what ‘the real game’ is, and, apparently, the highest levels are naturally high-risk, high reward.
In between adding value to this article, I’ve been playing catch-up with my YouTube Watch Later playlist… and one thing I gathered in one of the videos that played while I was also playing catch-up with my physical well-being (exercise, to be precise) was that the entire idea of Game Theory can be summarized as a huge projection of what’s called the Prisoner’s Dilemma. I’ll have AI explain it:
The Basic Scenario
- Two prisoners: are arrested for a crime and interrogated separately.
- Each prisoner has two choices: “confess” (testify against the other) or “stay silent” (cooperate with the other).
- The payoffs: (sentence length) depend on both choices:
- If both confess, they both get a moderate prison sentence (e.g., 2 years).
- If one confesses and the other stays silent, the confessor goes free, and the silent one gets a very long sentence (e.g., 3 years).
- If both stay silent, they both get a short sentence for a lesser charge.
The Dilemma
- For each prisoner, confessing is the “dominant strategy”—it leads to the best or at least a better outcome regardless of what the other does.
- However, if both follow this logic and confess, they both end up with a worse sentence (2 years each) than if they had both remained silent (1 year each).
So, a couple of things here. First, the creator of the video, who I also assume is the narrator, explains that most, if not all interactive scenarios we have in this world, regardless of scale (whether it be as simple as roommates adhering to a dishwashing schedule, or two nations in negotiation) can be seen from the perspective of this dilemma.
Second, the video goes on to explain how, in the 80s, a real person named Robert Axelrod (yup) went deeper into this, going as far as to call on programmers to create programs that would handle the same scenario… and when run against a ‘random’ program (that is, one which dictates the decisions of each prisoner at random), the program with the most positive outcomes, ‘wins’.
It was concluded that the program which was primarily ‘nice’ (and not so aggressive to confess) yet ‘firm’ (or ‘retaliatory’, deciding according to how the second prisoner responded) was the one that had the higher number of better outcomes, and ‘won’.
With this said, we can respond to the high stakes and the thin air at the top of the world differently – actually, in two ways as well: First, we would feel even more pressure in the decisions we make – the altitude, the higher chances of death would push us to decide; Recklessly, haphazardly, sure, but quickly, rather than certainly dying if no decision was made.
Second, we could cast said sensory and physical factors completely aside, understanding that some factors take priority over others, and these factors are what need to be considered first, regardless of the peril and the distraction. Still quickly, but not necessarily foolproof – you sacrifice precious seconds for more deliberate decisions.
Once again… I am reminded. Yes, this all sounds like a cop-out, but I’ll be honest with you, it’s one I’m willing to take, because I’d rather be praying than overthinking, quite frankly. To my defense I am not disregarding the facts of this reality, but I believe I am actually respecting Creation by depending on the Creator, more than taking matters into my own hands.
In high stakes and where time is of the essence, I believe that in the body of Christ, our stance is to remind ourselves of what the Gospel says – that, again – we are NOT alone. And in this case, well, we are not merely ACCOMPANIED by God, but He is as much our present help in split-second decisions, just as He is faithful to establish our plans when we have the luxury of time to acknowledge Him.
The Maker of Time and Space is our Father. He is with us in the present – guaranteed by our being made new creations, having the mind of Christ who thinks with us as we think with Him, real-time.
He is also with us in the past, as much as He is with us in the future, causing ALL things to work for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
We are NOT alone. The past, present and future CANNOT separate us from the love of God.
We are NOT alone. When the stakes are high and the air is thin, and when we find ourselves in the highest levels of ‘the game’, our edge in the body of Christ is that God is with us, and we are with Him. Absolutely. Definitely. No matter what.
And, sure, I may be wearing a Brioni suit, and what I have to show for myself, even at this age, may not add as much value as those who have actually had battle scars from a more turbulent and/or rewarding past… But on top of this suit, I am clothed, just as anyone else in the body of Christ is clothed – not in fig leaves, not in filthy rags, but in a robe of righteousness – a reminder to myself and to all who would happen to see, that, through Christ, I am righteous and fully reconciled to the Creator, much so that I call Him my Father.
Wendy Rhoades: So you knew. Had me followed.
Chuck Rhoades, Jr.: No, no. But my father did, and he told me. Took pleasure in it.
Wendy Rhoades: Chuck, it–
Chuck Rhoades, Jr.: –It was a symptom of… disarray in our marriage. I caused that disarray, and it has since been ordered.
Wendy Rhoades: And we’re going to leave it at that? This won’t come back around later?
Chuck Rhoades, Jr.: It leveled me, Wendy. That’s the truth. Broke parts of me I didn’t know existed.
But that pain focused me on priorities of both work and home. So, I’m glad for that.
And if it does rise, I will do my best to bring it to you in a civilized manner.
With all that’s on our minds so far, we are reminded of our extraordinary, supernatural and downright impossible righteousness, purchased by Christ, and guaranteed by the Holy Spirit – I am, here and now, also reminded of how we are able to forgive – both one-time big-time, and constantly, just as Chuck continuously chooses to forgive Wendy as the pain comes back.
We’re able to forgive, in so far as we recognize the depth of how much we have been forgiven in Christ. We’ve been cleansed and perfected once and for all from the perspective of eternity, but we have also been reminded of said constant and consistent, absolute forgiveness in this reality… Causing us also to forgive – seventy times seven times, and even more.
In rejection, in pain, in threats and in all that’s happening – we choose to love ourselves and each other. We choose to remember our roles in the body of Christ; As Ambassadors of Christ, who are recipients of the Ministry of Reconciliation, our message stays constant in an ever-changing, chaotic world – be reconciled to God.
Not only do we speak it, but we live it – living confident and secure in righteousness and reconciliation, basking in perfect love that casts out all fear. No matter how the world shakes, no matter how we hurt deep inside, no matter where we stand in our own times of grief; No matter how much we deny, how much we lash out in anger, how much we plead in bargaining, how much we curl up in depression, down to the time that we start accepting facts… God is with us, and we are with God.
We ARE reconciled to God, through Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit.
This is the message we not only speak, but live and project: In the name of Jesus, be reconciled to God.
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