Here we go. We’ve done with September… or, at least we’ve done what I think was a substantial effort to cover all that we’ve taken down for that month… and now we’re jumping into October.
To set your expectations, some of these thoughts that I’ve taken down were passed on from September to October… or, they started off last month, and they’ve reached their ‘peak’ of sorts this month.
The following ‘collection’ is one example of a thought that took its time to mature.
If you’ve been following whatever I’ve been typing here ever since, oh, March and April, you’ll see how frantic I was back then. Looking back at it now, so many months later, I remember being hounded from the outside in, by feelings of ‘if only’s’ and ‘what if’s’ with regards to failed relationships and mismanagement of money. I also remember ‘hounding’ (?) myself from within with feelings of pressure, mostly related to turning four decades of existence in this wretched world.
There was a lot of regret, let me tell you. And it assaulted me in at least one of two ways: Either just weighing me down, or pushing me to move erratically, to move recklessly, to ‘take back’ whatever I lost, whether it be in my relationships, or all the money I lost.
For the life of me I could not remember what were the exact events, or what the environment was on October 5, which was a Saturday… around 5 months and a couple of days after that high-pressure season. That’s when I recorded what I had in mind:
I said, ‘Shift.’ I’m to shift, from regret, to thankfulness. I’m to shift, from getting back for myself, ‘taking the power back’, going back to the ‘better days’ – shifting from all of that, to giving back to others.
I’m to shift, from lamenting on what I don’t have, to being thankful, and making the most of all that I DO Have. Shift.
The shifting had it roots from my discussion with a brother from another mother, Donn – who was supposed to be the best man with my then fiance… unfortunately, things fell through with her, but my best man, well, still remained a very good friend. You can deduce that she was one of the topics we had over close to copious amounts of good-enough whiskey.
Alcohol does loose lips, or in my case, it gave me confidence to finally let out whatever’s been brewing in my head.. or, whatever regrets and frustrations remained since April. Regrets over who I lost, what I lost, versus what I have today, and what I do today.
Donn was a good brother to me, first of all cussing at me for more or less lamenting at a financial situation that I thought was bad, when I was aware that he went through worse, and he had to support a family at the time as well.
But, second, and this is what I believe led to the ‘Shift’ – He told me something that I gave some real consideration over: ‘You’re doing the right things for the wrong reasons’.
I mean, he was right. If I’m going to be honest and transparent with all of you who happen to be reading this, I was selfish in wanting this upcoming business (that we are, as of today, just waiting on the proper authorities to acknowledge and approve) to work, in wanting my trading in forex to eventually get me in a more stable place – I wanted all of that to work, just so I could get back to where I used to be when I had some extra digits on my bank account; Comfortable, and really just arrogant.
I was selfish in moving myself and my ministry to the machine that it is today, pushing my ideals and thinking about new innovations or taking in best practices and all that – I was pushing all that, but a good part of my mind was saying I was doing it to get back at our church leadership, and really, just to say I’m better than them. Really just arrogant.
Oh, and now that I’m putting it all together, I’m also raising up how another ‘wrong reason’ came up at the Lausanne Congress – I was doing all that I was doing on my own, not needing anyone else. Not necessarily bashing them, but indirectly telling them that I don’t need the help of other services, other pastors and other congregations… and it hurts me to see that some of this attitude has rubbed off on my own team. Arrogant.
I was selfish in my regrets over past relationships, and instead of making things better by way of whatever relationships or opportunities I had as of late, I seem to have continued to cycle of pain – of hurting myself and of hurting others, all having its roots deep down, and far back in the past. Let’s just say I prioritized myself. I was selfish. Arrogant.
Not sure if I was doing the right things… But I definitely had wrong reasons.
And.. yeah. I’m not sure when I came up with that one line, but I needed a shift, for sure. By the grace of God, the finished work of Christ, and the power of the Holy Spirit, things happened outside and from within so now more and more of my being shifts… From regret to thankfulness and gratitude.
I’ve shifted, and am shifting from getting back for myself, to giving back to others.
I’ve shifted, and am shifting from pressuring myself to earn my money back, and to get back into a relationship with reckless abandon, to being frugal and wisely spending and cycling whatever I have left, and being thankful for the people that haven’t left me, no matter how I’ve sought people who’re no longer around, and worse, don’t want to be found.
I’ve shifted, and am shifting from grieving and lamenting on what I don’t have, and being all twitchy about all the opportunities that I’ve passed on today because of what I don’t have… I’ve shifted, and am shifting, again, to being thankful for people that stayed even when the money ran out… for friends, and even recently, for connections that I thought could only be established through money.
I’ve shifted, from fear to love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love, as only the Creator of the Universe can have for us – that love that not only amazes us on a macro level, but tutors us, encourages us, and shines in us, through us, and by us in even the smallest of details, no matter how down in the dumps we are, or no matter how deep we are in the proverbial shit.
The shift was from getting all stressed out by past regrets, present troubles, and future uncertainty… to rejoicing in our Father, who is omnipresent – not only in all locations, but in all times.
I’ve shifted from stress to the option of rejoicing in the One who is beyond time, and at the same time BOTH the Beginning and the End moves so we have peace with our past, confidence in the present, and hope for the future.
The shift was from focusing on what I don’t have, and what I had, and what may be taken away… to appreciating what I have left – or, rather, who remains; Besides family and loyal friends, no doubt the One who is both the First and the Last, the Alpha who became Omega is able and willing to help me, much so that I celebrate Him by communing with Him…
…and it’s not as if I’m not lamenting anymore. No, I’m still grieving, I’m still even worried, and, if I’m honest, there’s still a lot of stress, but this is the real shift: I’ve shifted from keeping it all to myself and weighing myself down so I sink, to intentionally communicating with the Creator of the Universe and all that is seen and unseen, to seeking and wanting to cry out to my Father, to praying without ceasing – not by my might, but by the Spirit of God.
Finally, the shift persists – from imposing my will after a season of entitlement considering how long I’ve survived in this wretched reality, to not merely submitting, but fully trusting in the will of God… From dwelling on myself and what I don’t have and what others have, to giving thanks in everything.
Putting it all in a declaration isn’t too difficult.
Because of Christ’s finished work, and the power of the Holy Spirit, I find reason to rejoice at all times, I find pleasure in praying without ceasing, and I have peace beyond understanding, because I am able to give thanks in everything, performing the will of God for me in Christ Jesus.
It’s because of all this gratitude; The gratitude may sometimes be forced, but oftentimes it’s really brought on by a higher power – THE higher power – that I’ve been reminded, and I’ve been reminding other people since…
That, indeed, because of Christ’s finished work, and because of the power of the Holy Spirit, I am able be thankful for all that’s happened, instead of being sad and broken that it ended.
My joy, my peace and my comfort is not in anything, more than it is found in the One who is faithful to cause EVERYTHING to work for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose.
I’m thankful for the times I’ve had with those I’ve loved.
I’ll keep that between me and my Father, in prayer.
I’m thankful for the times I have here and now, with the love I have, here and now. It’s helping me cope, it’s helping me to heal.
I am thankful, and I find healing. All thanks and praise to God, my Father. All glory to Christ, my Savior. All honor to the Holy Spirit, my Comforter.
Starting October ‘Inventory’ off with stuff close to my heart. I hope I’m not sabotaging myself through all I’ve mentioned here.
I am thankful to the Lord for you, and I pray for nothing but the best for you. I pray not only for you, but for your family – I pray that, through the irresistible grace of God, through the absolute authority of Christ and the perfection of His finished work, and through the endless power and wisdom of the Holy Spirit, that, more than anything, you would see more and more of His everlasting love and goodness towards you.
I pray that you are not sidetracked by outside events or sabotaged by inside throughs, and that you are protected by the Most High, kept sane and collected, strong and stable in and through Him. More than anything else, and beyond my own personal feelings, I pray that you find your trust in Him. I pray that you find your peace in Him. I love you, and this is all I want for you more than anything else – that you find your peace and love in Christ.
I’m thankful for the past, and I honor the past by lifting it all up to the Lord, thankful for His presence, guidance, and His faithfulness to us through it all. Even if things didn’t turn out the way I expected and wanted, it gives me more reason to give thanks – I honor the past by giving thanks, and in so doing, placing my trust in Him. Indeed, there is no thankfulness without trust, and there is no trust without thankfulness.
With all this in mind, and with all this released – May the Lord bless us and keep us. May the Lord make His face to shine upon us, and be gracious to us. May He lift his countenance upon us, and give us His perfect and absolute shalom. In Jesus’ name, amen.
I’m probably going to have to fix those declarations… maybe the next time I bring them up.
Until the next post, may the Lord bless us all, greatly, abundantly, and without fail. To Him be all the glory, forever.
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