May 21, 2019. 30 Days to Write, Day 5

Performance anxiety. Separation anxiety.

I’ve been making mountains out of anthills to the point that I almost posted Philippians 1:23, which states that I would rather leave this life to be with Christ.

And, quite frankly, that’s still there. It was pretty strong earlier today. I knew of the hope I had, but for some reason I wanted to stay with the pain.

Work today was pretty heavy. I told myself I was going to rest yesterday, and work out today. Yesterday, I had a reason to take a smoke break. Today, instead of working out, I lit the last cigarette in my stash.

But for some reason, unlike yesterday, I killed it halfway. The smoke didn’t taste good for some reason.

It was around this time that I was reminded of how I used to work where I worked. I was reminded of better days, when I didn’t think of smoking, because I was too busy working… and unlike today, back then I was working because I wanted my boss to succeed.

I was fretting and making sure I wasn’t making any mistakes today, but for some reason it was really stressful, but this was, as I realized, because I was working out of fear – fear that I would make a mistake, fear that I would strike out for my good boss.

But that’s the thing – I forgot that my boss was good. I forgot the days I worked, double checked, and triple checked my work with ease because I was driven to make my boss succeed. I was driven by love, and not by fear.

The song, ‘We Deal In Dreams’ by Live just started to play in my head again some time throughout this day. Earlier this week I was wallowing in self-pity, even calling myself a liability in this life and reality.

I continue to recover from this. Still looking forward to the weekend.

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