SOS

Permission to be vulnerable, sir.

It’s just that things have been going on, in our country, all around the world, from within me, and all around me that are just weighing heavy on my soul right now. I know that it helps to pray, and it helps to break out the old guitar and just sing. I know, I know, that I should be flowing, trusting God, and thanking God – and, sure, that never really left me, I suppose, it’s just that now, I guess I’m doing all this by way of writing…

For, indeed, I say, even in all that is going on, I am thankful – for I have a God who stands, a Father who is for me and not against me. Even in these trying times that would have me question everything, and leaving me all shaken and vulnerable, well, it’s in times like these that I am reminded of the goodness and the glory of God, and how I should be trusting Him even more in all of this.

I am trusting in the Lord and in all of His goodness and glory, poured out upon us through the finished work of Christ and in the form of the Holy Spirit.

I trust Him as I remember our brothers and sisters all around the world who are literally suffering and dying for the sake of Christ – who He is, and what He has done.

I trust in Him, knowing that He is with them even until the very ends of the earth, ever present even in the very end of their own worlds… to the last breath. Even as I hear of entire families slain because of their belief in Christ, I thank our Father for welcoming them home, and I trust in Christ to comfort all who remain… and I trust in the Holy Spirit to continue in convicting the world – of sin, of righteousness, and of judgment – that even in these darkest and most painful of times, the Light shines even brighter.

I trust in our Father, as I take in the news (or lack thereof) of our own nation, the Philippines, undergoing all sorts of political upheaval right now. I trust in Him, knowing that the authorities placed over our nation were placed under His watchful eye, and He will never allow the enemy to snatch us from His hand. Even in the most confusing and discouraging of times, we have a God of comfort who ministers to His body, and we take in His peace – the peace that goes beyond all understanding – so much more, especially during these times.

Indeed, praise and glory to our Father, for He is good, and He does good things – even during these times when the entire world, and whole nations are being shaken! We thank You, Lord, for we know that when we cry out to You, You hear us – the idols will remain as earless, eyeless, dumb idols, but You, God – You, Father, You aren’t just hearing us, You’re listening to us, You CARE for us! Thank You, Lord, because all of these things would only serve as reminders of how we need You that much, especially in this… this messed up existence!

I am trusting in the Lord, and in all of His power… My trust is in Christ, and my focus is on Him, because He is the Point of all our wailing – He is truly our Way, our Truth, and our Life. Indeed, I thank Him during these times when I find myself questioning my own capabilities, and condemning myself for wasting so much time and efforts, resulting in the man I am today – with an empty treasure chest, and without a queen, so many subjects, but no sons and daughters.

The pain of rejection sinking in, the uncertainty of moving on, the anxiety associated with betrayal and complacency, the ugly feeling of spite and discontent… all of it is just weighing so heavy right now, on top of the usual that I’m used to… and, really, I would rather be thankful, I’m reminding myself to keep trusting in my God.

I mean, I’m sorry if you’ve made it this far, dear reader – if you were expecting some sort of victory speech, well, this is all defeat – it’s all dawning on me now, and I’m just using this medium as an opportunity to let it all out. I know, I know I will be talking about God’s goodness, but man, the weight of all my failure, combined with the seemingly overwhelming weight of the world’s burdens on such a grand scale… It’s all just hitting me right now.

There’s a couple of bottles of alcohol just a couple feet away from me. I was genuinely tempted to buy some cigarettes earlier, just as I was also genuinely tempted to go to some people and places that I’d only used to go to when I allowed my desires to go rampant. And I KNOW none of this is helping my testimony, but here I am, just really being vulnerable about all of it, HATING myself for all I’ve done that’s led me to this point – alone, with so much but still with next to nothing, with more people than friends, without a lover, and just full of memories and yearning and all that.

…and through it all, my Father – Look, You see me. Jesus, You see me. You know what’s running through my head.

Spirit, You hear my sighs – You hear the groans I make that even I couldn’t hear, down deep into the heart.

I’m still trusting You, God, as I always will… Because though I am laughably inconsistent, You are faithful. Even in this time, Father, I thank You, because through all this pain, and all I’m thinking and grieving right now – Yes, Father, You are the only One who’s truly faithful in all this that’s going on.

I trust You, God. I thank You, God.

Flow… Please, flow. Help me. Please, help me.

Help me, Jesus. Help me, Father. Help me, Holy Spirit.

Wretched man that I am, it is You who would deliver me.

Let me see Your glory. Show me Your grace. Present Your power. Hold me in Your peace.

Purge me with hyssop, that I would be cleansed and made new.

Father… Glorify Your Name. In all I’m going through, Father, move! I know, Lord, I’m the one who should be moved, I’m the one supposed to be moving when I pray… But Lord, no, today I’m being selfish, work a miracle in my life! I’ve come to such a vulnerable state because of all my wrong, impulsive, immature calls and decisions, and I am in NO position to ask for anything from You, but Father, please, PLEASE – I’m asking You, chase me down!

Father, Glorify Your Name! In all that’s happening all around, and within me, glorify Your name, and glorify it again!

Help me, Lord!