So a bit of a backstory here. We were at our first Council Meeting at church last week, and of course, this entailed that we would be talking about possible events to hold throughout the rest of the year.
We gave priority to what would happen at the first quarter of 2025, and it was decided that we would hit three birds with one stone during Valentines’ Day – Something for Couples, and something that could count as a ‘Conference’ for Men and Women.
Seeing as the present mentality (or the usual approach in our church, if you like) was to hit these bases by way of assigning a speaker for each target (meaning a speaker for Couples, for Men and for Women), a good pastor who had literal decades of experience as a husband and a father took it upon himself to talk about the sanctity of marriage.
And, for some reason, my genius ass raised my hand to fill in whatever was to be counted as a ‘Men’s Conference‘. Let’s just say that one line in ‘Run Away’ by Ed Kowalcyk’s band Live was what was on my mind: I have ‘the scars to prove that love has had its day and its way with me’… and I guess with that in mind, would my aim, or my ultimate point be somewhere in the next line: ‘So can we roll tonight? Roll through your desert, can we start over?‘
Things that were running through my head were how I was engaged, then ‘disengaged’, I guess.
There’s also how I was on both the giving and receiving sides of obsession – more than once.
There’s also how I was scammed, and how I was ghosted. There’s also how I was the one who did the ghosting, and how I felt pretty remorseful for it – and for ALL of it – even up until now. I’ve been hurt. But what’s worse is that I did the hurting, too. I mean, I was the one who inflicted pain.
Finally, there’s also this quote I have pasted on here which states:
I’m so in love with this Quote: “When the replacement from God arrives, you will forget what you lost.”
It feels like I’ve gone down this road at least once. Long story short, I lost someone, a replacement arrived, I lost the replacement. The one I lost presented as a replacement, and I lost her too because I was still hoping for the first one.
The ‘replacement from God’ arrived, I forgot what I lost. I lost the ‘replacement from God’, and who I forgot arrived. I forgot that who arrived could’ve been a ‘replacement from God’, and now all I am is lost.
I’m not usually as open to this side of me, considering that it doesn’t make for much of a success story. In fact, I may have gotten a few details here and there pretty wrong, and I know that without me including each and every detail, the entire plot may not seem so ‘thrilling’.
Not that I even wanted to sound anywhere near entertaining, but it’s just that… well, really, there’s not much to show for myself here.
I’ve just turned 40. About to turn 41. The years leading to 40 were a rollercoaster on so many fronts, but here I am, back to where I started with so little left in my bank accounts, and apparently more scars than stories with good endings.
I’m treading lightly here, because I don’t want all of this to sound like I’m a fucking charity case and I need your prayers, sympathy and attention – but at the same time I feel like I want something to come out of this, that’s not only going to minister to others, but to myself as well – and not only by way of comfort, but actual next steps, or well, by way of the realization of things beyond my perspective.
Yeah, that sounds like what I really want from all of this – divine intervention. Revelations.
If I’m going to take everything I’ve written down here, and everything I’m thinking about – or a majority of my thoughts, anyway – and if I go ahead and call all this my story, well, it wouldn’t feel right. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if I’m down in the dumps with no way out; at least in the financial portion of things, I still have a couple of outs left to make back all that I’ve lost, and then some. Also, I’m writing this, I’m walking, I’m working out regularly, so it’s all helping with me recovery. Who knows, maybe I’ll be back to 150 pounds.
But it just feels like if I was to go ahead and grade all within my senses, in a scale of 0-100%, I’d probably be in the 30% range overall. I know it could be worse, but what’s sad is that I am fully aware of how I was in the 90% range, at least according to my senses (again), just a couple of years ago.
I’m still fond of telling people that, in Christ, we will always have more to give thanks for, than there are reasons to complain. My mood right now is that I’m thankful because that though my previous statement still and will always hold true, I’m aware that there are more reasons to complain now.
I’ve made bad decisions. I’ve been so off in my timing. And through all of it I’ve been beating myself up. It’s come to a point that the regret far exceeds the acceptance of how these are the consequences of my actions.
I’ve also come to a point that I should just settle for whatever comes my way, and there’s still a part of me that struggles against this, either thinking of what I had and/or what might have been.
Speaking of settling, I want to share: Just recently I’ve been interviewed, and I’ve been brought to the realization that my decisions as of late have rendered me merely getting by, if at all – and as a reaction I was brought to quoting what Paul said to the Philippians; You know, where he said that he has learned to be content in all things.
I thought that was to be commendable, when one of the folks who was interviewing me said that this sounded very much like Paul, and brought to my attention that being like Paul isn’t exactly what I wanted, especially that part about him being celibate. Hell, this same guy actually asked me if I had the ‘gift’ of celibacy, and my answer right then and there was a resounding ‘no’.
No, sir, now that I think of it, I may be 40, but I’m a red-blooded 40-year-old who still thinks that a wife and kids is a blessing; they are pinnacle forms of celebration of Christ and His finished work.
Am I to share all this on Friday? Am I even helping myself by sharing all of it here?
I know that I’m going to be following this up with verses in the Word, particularly of those regarding waiting on the Lord, and so on. But does it go deeper than that, Father?
Am I merely to give thanks and to keep trusting in you? I KNOW I’ve been saying this before:
Flow. Trust God. Thank God. I’d say that this was something that I’d apply for memories of the past, and for thoughts of the future – up to 40 years ahead, and beyond, I’d tell myself.
I’d tell myself to trust God and find reasons to Thank Him; To the congregation, I’d also say thank Him and find yourself trusting in Him more, I’d say. But I’m afraid, in light of all I’m just letting out here, I don’t really see much of a flow.
Am I pronouncing those thoughts of doubt? Probably. Is this a buildup towards something? Probably, but I can’t see to what. As far as I’m concerned this all just sounds like me lamenting with not much of a purpose.
I don’t know what to share. I don’t know what to say. There’s so much more that needs to be done. And sure, I may agree that it all must be done, but part of me demands a solution; some sort of progression, especially now that I’m releasing all this in my heart and my mind.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.
His mercies never come to an end.
His mercies are new every morning, and again my soul cries,
His mercies are new every morning; Therefore, with a full and healed heart, and with hope I cry out and worship, saying, ‘Great is thy Faithfulness, o Father! Great, great is thy Faithfulness!’
Praise God, from whom all blessings flow!
Praise Him, all creatures here below!
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost!
“Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.”Ecclesiastes 3:11
It’s my life, sure, but I’m only aware of a portion of it. I cannot see the whole scope of God’s work. I can only be thankful, for He who DOES know the whole scope is for me, and not against me.
“Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.”Psalm 27:14
Yes, I suppose this is the path I’m taking – as mentioned earlier, we really ARE going for just pulling up verses of encouragement. In this case, I got it from a site that popped up from Google. Don’t ask my search prompt. I don’t remember on hand, and frankly, right now, I’m not caring too much about it.
Patience is presented as an act, while bravery and courage are presented as something we’re to be – or already are. Perhaps, in our bravery, and in our courage, we’re able to wait patiently. And as we wait patiently, we build up our bravery and courage.
But take note, we aren’t just waiting – I’m not just waiting for providence and serendipity to show up according to my terms – I’m waiting – patiently – for the Lord.
“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”Isaiah 40:31
As patience and bravery come together, so, here, besides a propensity to give thanks to God, I am reminded that we who trust in the Lord shall also be strengthened, not only to endure and walk without fainting, but to literally soar. Wait on Him. Trust in Him.
Be renewed in strength. Do not grow weary. – That’s speaking to me right now.
“The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him.”Lamentations 3:25 – We’ve often sang of God’s goodness all the time (and all the time, God’s goodness) – Now I’m insisting here, as in any other time, that it can also be read the other way around; That is, we depend on Him, and we search for Him not FOR but FROM His goodness towards us.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”Proverbs 3:5-6
You know what’s funny? I’ve been preaching a couple of these verses, and more prominently as the fourth quarter of 2024 came to a close, through here, today, 2025. I’d tell people to trust in the Lord, and to believe in Him, that we would not be put to shame or haste; We’re to trust in Him, and our thoughts shall be established, and our paths shall be directed.
I guess that’s another complaint – I’m not necessarily seeing His will; and I’m not saying I’ve been seeking it either… Maybe that’s what I should be doing.
Gosh, is this actually ‘working’?
“For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”James 1:3-4
“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.”Romans 5:3-4
I can’t say my endurance has been developed. I mean, I’m pretty sure that if you dumped all that I’ve seen and went through upon myself 20 years younger, I would have been miserable; I would have checked out a hell of a lot sooner.
I suppose there are things that are certainly beneficial – it’s just that I haven’t seen or realized them, and/or I’ve refused to see them, focusing more on what I lost, and ending up losing more. What a funny realization – All this time I’ve seen my losses and my failures, my endurance was actually getting better.
“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”1 Peter 5:7
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” Philippians 4:6
“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”Matthew 6:33
“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” Galatians 6:9
“But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.” Romans 8:25
“Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.” Psalm 37:7
“Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.” Hebrews 10:36
“As for me, I look to the Lord for help. I wait confidently for God to save me, and my God will certainly hear me.” Micah 7:7
“Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.” Philippians 4:11
“Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth.” 1 Timothy 6:6
“You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.” Psalm 16:11
“Don’t love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, ‘I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.’” Hebrews 13:5
“Fear of the Lord leads to life, bringing security and protection from harm.” Proverbs 19:23
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28
“It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.” Isaiah 55:11
“I am counting on the Lord; yes, I am counting on him. I have put my hope in his word.” Psalm 130:5
“The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent.”2 Peter 3:9
“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”Matthew 6:33
“And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19
“The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.” Psalm 23:1
“So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.”Matthew 7:11
“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.” Luke 12:31
“Never stop praying.”1 Thessalonians 5:17
“Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.”Colossians 4:2
“One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should always pray and never give up.”Luke 18:1
“The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.”James 5:16
“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.”Matthew 7:7
Sorry. There was a bunch of other verses from that same one page I went to, and I wasn’t about to keep going by going through each verse and giving commentary.
Pasting and processing all this here though, I’m reminded of Job – because he was exactly as I am now: lamenting about my situation, and not seeing any hope, seeking for an end or an out, because I guess we were looking at all of it from just our point of view.
I’m reminded of the Lord, because He chose, in love and grace, to rebuke Job by way of testing Him – took at least a whole chapter full of verses to record a smidgen (that’s right, a smidgen) of all that God knew that Job couldn’t hope to comprehend.
I feel, in this deluge of verses (which I exerted effort to find, ironically), the Lord is being nicer to me than Job – in that He made sure to let him (well, both of us) know that we know absolutely nothing… But, it must only be because of Christ that I’m also getting the other side of the coin: That God knows absolutely everything, and that He is for us, and not against us, and therefore wants what is best for us.
1 Then Job answered the LORD and said:
2 “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
3 Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’ Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
4 ‘Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.’
5 I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you;
6 therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.”
Job 42:1-6
Who am I to say that my time has passed? Who am I to say that I’ve cashed in all my outs, and that there’s nothing left for me? Who am I to say that there’s no hope left for me, and that I should just settle? I should be thankful, that’s for sure, but who am I to say that I should settle?
On the other hand, who am I to say that I know what’s best for me? Who am I to say that I know what I want, down to the smallest detail?
Oh, who am I to say that I know what’s best for me??
…But, LORD, am I to stay silent??
“For this is the will of God, that by doing good you may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men”1 Peter 2:15
“The lot causeth contentions to cease”Proverbs 18:18
“Cast out the scorner, and contention shall go away” Proverbs 22:10
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